Online Job Applications

I sat down this morning to fill out a few online job applications. No big deal, you just upload your resume- should speak for itself, right?

Even though I uploaded my resume for some reason I still had to put every single thing on my resume into one of their little boxes on the next page. I mean- name of employer, when did you work there, what did you do? what did you get paid when you started? when you left? what was your supervisor's name? telephone number? relationship status? I clicked submit and an hour glass popped up- turned itself over a few times. I thought I’d be done but instead a window box popped up, “loading assessment.” And then the page which was called Pre Employment Assessment.

“Question 1 of 60

“It is okay to steal from my employer.”

Do you

Strongly Agree

Agree

Disagree

or

Strongly Disagree

with this statement?”

I was sure I had read it wrong. I read it over and again, and again, trying to figure out what I had missed. Finally I just clicked strongly disagree with a sinking heart. It was too easy. I must be missing something. Was I not cut out for the world of pizza?

I clicked next.

“Question 2 of 60

Some people just can’t be trusted?

Do you:

Strongly Agree

Agree

Not Sure

Disagree

Strongly Disagree?”

I spent like ten minutes trying to decide if I should agree or disagree or strongly do something. Did they want me to trust everyone or not? I mean to have good customer service you have to pretend to trust people- saying I agreed could come across as paranoid. On the other hand saying you trust everyone could mean you weren’t on the watch for shoplifters and thieves so saying I disagreed could be bad too.

X Not sure. 

Question 3 of 60 “I had lots of friends in high school.” Wait- what? That one required a fourth and fifth reading. I looked at the clock and it was already eleven! This was harder than the SATs.  Of course it didn’t really matter though what I would put. It mattered what an ideal employee of Pizza Shed would put. But was it good or bad to have friends? Bad- friends were a distraction from work. Good- friends meant people liked you and would buy pizza from you. I buried my forehead in his hands. Why had I even gotten up this morning? Finally I just closed my eyes and clicked one, I don’t know which one I put. I guess it doesn’t matter.

“ Question 4: Politicians are dishonest.” Okay they were just trying to trick me now. Close eyes and click. “Question 5: I like being told what to do, It would not bother me to work with difficult people all day long, I would like a job that is repetitive where I make little pay.” Then 52 more questions asking the exact same things but with the words in different orders until I couldn’t distinguish the agrees from the disagrees. I finished only fifty five minutes later. All these questions had something to do with pizza in some way that I hadn’t been able to figure out yet. I probably didn’t answer the way someone who would make a perfect pizza serving employee would answer. They weren’t going to call me.

With heavy shoulders I decided to go a different route and apply at a shoe store next.

Strengths: “perseverance,”

Weakness: “none of your business.”

I clicked next. “Loading question section.” No. no! nonononono, NOOOOOO!

I couldn’t believe it- they had the exact same sixty question assessment but in a different order. So apparently these questions also applied to working with shoes.

Question 17 of 60. “I keep my calm in high stress situations.” Gahh! I wanted to cry. I wanted to find the person that wrote this stupid test and ram their head into a wall and knock all their teeth out. Bleed! Bleed! Bleed!

“ X Strongly Agree.”

At least that one was easy.

I hate tricky ones that are all,

Question 23, “It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free.”

Agree? Disagree? There was no not sure button on this test! I just don’t understand what this has to do with shoes? Or anything? If I say no I probably like getting away with crimes myself, if I say yes I’m a pessimist who doesn’t have any faith in our legal system.

Agree still seemed like the better choice. Not strongly however and I’m nervous about that one. I probably won’t get a phone call now on that one either. Oh great now it is two o clock.