Buffy episode part 3

scene

Buffy is looking for riley with no luck.

Buffy: darn, I was so looking forward to killing him.

Willow still lies over the Buffybot crying. Dawn is still stuck on the floor crying for Buffy to save her even though she believes like Willow that Buffy is dead. Xander has fallen asleep in his basement and Cordelia is shopping. She buys some new hairgel.

Cordelia: Right, that's the last time I go to Buffy for help. I should have thought of this a long time ago. Shopping is the answer to all my problems.

Scene

The driver stops the bus.

riley gets up.

riley: home so soon! oh boy! I'm gonna go find Bessie!

the driver locks the doors.

Driver: looks like you're going to stay

riley: Overnight? Well okay, i'm used to sleeping on the floor. When I was little my parents locked me up in the cow barn, not just at night but all the time- that's where I met the love of my life. It was love at first sight- ya know how that is? I think she was as attracted to my odors as I was to hers. She didn't have to say anything- I could see it in her eyes. She'd get this look of pure horror and I think it was at the thought of losing me. That's the way I felt about her...

The bus driver morphes into the bus.

riley swivels around.

riley: hey! where'd you go? I was just getting to the good part. Whoa, that is great camouflage you got going on there, I myself, well I don't like to brag, actually, it's not that I don't like to, it's just that normally I don't have anything to about, but I myself, am a champion of the camouflage fashion. i'd really like to know where you bought that suit!

The bus crumples up into a mouth, the seats turning into teeth. riley keeps talking and doesn't notice. The bus folds over and chomps his still blabbing head off. Then it straightens out right again and spits him out- body and head.

Bus: Bleh! too much hairgel!

It turns back into bus and screeches away as fast as it can.

riley gets up and grabs his head and puts it back on his neck.

riley: Great now I only have two lives left. I must get to Bessie as soon as possible.

riley begins barn hopping. he goes up to every barn he comes across and opens the door and calls

riley: Bessie?

Naturally, about half the cows being named Bessie, he gets a lot of responses so he has to go up and inspect every single one. Finally he finds her. She is grazing in a cow pasture. he can tell it's her instantly by the scent. he gallops over to the pasture. It is early morning now.

riley: Bessie!!!!!

Her ears perk up and her eyes grow wide with fright that could be interpreted as the fear of losing riley, I guess, if you have a flat head.

riley: Bessie, at last, i've found you! How are you cow?

he hops over the fence and throws his arms around her neck.

riley: They sold you, but I found you! I will always find you!

Bessie: moo

riley: I knew you were going to say that!

Bessie steps on his head. It is already weak from the bus driver's mouth and just from being riley and it falls off easily. Bessie bolts off.

Bessie: moo, mo, moo, mooooo

translate: sorry boy you're not my species, almost, not quite

riley gets up in a scramble and finds his head.\

riley: okay- this is getting serious- I only have one more life left. i'll just lock myself up in this barn until I can figure out what to do.

scene

several days later

Buffy is sitting in Giles's apartment.

Buffy: I can't find him anywhere. I think he's split. But the slime's still there which means he's still alive somewhere- probably grossing people to death. I swear he was this close to offing me. I only survived cuz I'm the slayer. Some kind of super human gross tolerance.

Giles: Yes, well get the gang on it, with soap and brushes. With riley gone- he opposes no immediate threat.

Buffy: You're telling me. I had to date the guy to save the world.\

Giles: pardon?

Buffy: You know, so no one else would have to do it, one girl chosen in all the world to suffer blah, blah, blah.

Giles: oh, right.

Buffy: I'll get Spike to do it. He needs something to do besides be locked up all day in that crypt with Harmony, you just know he's doing something icky.

scene

Buffy barges into Spike's crypt. Where as most people would say hi Buffy instead punches him in the nose. She shoves a bottle of soap at him.

Buffy: You're going to clean up slime.

Spike: Oww. Oh am I now? Why is that?

Buffy: Because I say so and I'm Bossy the vampire slayer.

Spike: Well I'm not going to argue with that.

Buffy turns to leave but stops at the door.

Buffy: Say, you wouldn’t happen to have seen Dawn recently? I haven't seen her for awhile. I just realized that.

Spike: Maybe because I ate her.

Buffy rolls her eyes.

Buffy: yeah, whatever.

she leaves.

Spike: hey! I know where you live Slayer! I will know your blood, someday. I will know all your blood!

Blood starts dripping out of his nose where Buffy punched him. He licks it.

Spike: Mmm, that's not bad.

scene

riley has been sitting in the barn. Suddenly a strong wind begins to blow. riley is swept into a tornado. It travels across the country back to Sunnydale and deposits him at the feet of Principal Snyder.

PS: You didn't think you would get away with it did you? You can't blow off my detention young man, I've got the dark forces working for me now.

He locks riley up in a room with no walls, only a door that is locked. riley of course doesn't notice that there are no walls. he sits on the floor and finds a piece of glass. he picks up the piece of glass and can see his reflection in it.

riley: Well hello there. Boy you are an attractive specimen. I think you deserve a girl like Bessie.

PS: (calling from outside) no talking!

riley whispers

riley: my hair is my best feature. That and my impecible fashion sense of course. I may just be a fashion leader of tomorrow I think. I am just so ahead of the times here...ahhh!

riley feels a sharp jabbing pain in the side of his head. It stops when he shuts up so naturally he starts talking again.

riley: The army's very important. my mommy is professor walsh, she's like God, that makes me like....Jesus! I knew I was important! my friend is forrest but I think he's more of a bog person myself. i'm a rain forrest....ahhh!! I just start raining stick and never stop. ahhh!!!! but the army- now- we had cool cars. Oh those were the days, drinking cheese juice, ahh!!! fightin demons, ahhh!! i'm from Iowa, I like cows...ahhh!! Did Willow tell you I like cheese? ahhhh!! I like cheese, ahhh!! People say I look like a fish but I think I look more like my mother, ahhhh!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

he fall over never to rise again. he is last seen holding his head. According to Giles he last bored himself to death but perhaps we will never know for sure. 

The END

Buffy episode part 2

Scene 6

In Spike’s crypt Spike and Harmony are “playing” hide and seek. Harmony is hiding and she is winning. Spike is sitting in a chair reading the paper.

Harmony: (calling out) Spikey come find me.

Spike: Yeah, I’m looking.

Harmony: If you can’t find me in an hour do I win?

Spike: Oh sure, whatever you want sweet pea, and then perhaps we can play again and you can win again.

Hamrony: I’m getting bored.

Spike: Harm, shut up or the deal’s off.

Scene 7

Cordelia looking disheveled returns to the magic shop where Buffy, Giles, Anya and Dawn are studying.

Buffy: Willow says it was some kind of slime demon maybe or something.

Giles: (cleaning glasses) Yes, well Willow said that. Despite she would have no idea.

Buffy: (helpfully) it was slimy.

Cordelia: Buffy.

Buffy: Cordelia? What are you doing here?

Cordelia: Uh, I need your help.

At that moment Willow enters the shop

Willow: Oh Buffy, I thought you were with riley.

Buffy: why would I be with riley?

Willow: Oh well, I saw you earlier, remember, you said you were going over there.

Buffy: oh, well, yes. right. I was over there but I decided to come study on the you know, demon.

Willow: you didn’t kill him did you?

Buffy: who, the demon?

Willow: No, riley.

Buffy: oh. no. I wish.

Cordelia: Hello, problem here. ( to Willow) oh, it’s you.

Willow: That’s right, it’s me.

Cordelia: Having fun with your boyfriend stealing.

Willow: As a matter of fact I am, and maybe some girlfriend stealing too.

Cordelia: Girlfriend stealing?

Buffy: Hello Cords, What was your problem?

Cordelia: My shoes, my platforms. My like best pair, wait, did you just call me Cords?

Willow: Oh well, I think we have more important stuff to worry about than your fashion sense and all.

Cordelia: girlfriend stealing?

Willow: And you know, demons? Remember those?

Buffy: What do you want?

Cordelia: You didn’t let me finish. It was very gross. And my shoes are like stuck in some gross gunk all over my floor, and I couldn’t get them out, but I figured, Buffy, because you know, you’re like supergirl or whatever could come use her super strength and get them out! They’re my best pair.

Buffy: I don’t know if we’re… we’re kinda busy,

Cordelia: I cant lose anything else! I’m on a budget, I already lost my hair gel..

Anya: Did you try soap?

Cordelia: What!?

Anya: On the gunk. I found some in Xander’s room and I put some soap near by it. It seemed to repel it.

Buffy: There was a slime puddle? sticky?

Cordelia: Yes, I said that.

Buffy: The slime demon, It affected you too.

Cordelia: A slime demon? That does not sound good. Why do the grossest things always happen around you?

Giles: You can repel it by soap, well that’s interesting.

Dawn: Hmmm, whatever it is it must not shower too often.

Cordelia: Hello? More important problem here, My shoes, come help. And my bathroom is soapy okay? I keep it clean.

Buffy: Hairgel! That’s what the sticky slime smelt like. I knew I knew that smell.

Willow: Ooh and who wears a lot of hairgel?

Buffy: riley?

Willow: right.

Buffy: So the slime demon attacked riley?

Anya: We can hope.

Cordelia: the demon used my hairgel?

scene

Fish riley has morphed back to his much scarier form- human riley , and is walking around Sunnydale wearing his very chic camouflage vest.

riley: Now where’s my car? I’m not going to let a little death stand in the way of my favorite meal, cheesefast.

He looks around for his car but it has been flattened by the tractor.

riley: Wa! My car is flat! Wa! Wa!

he begins to oozeate, his body sheds sticky hair gel smelling slime all over the ground and his squished car.

riley: Where’s Spike? This is all his fault. Everything is his fault. I’m going to kill him cuz I’m in the army.

he starts walking, oozing all the way.

scene

In Spike's crypt

Harmony: ooh it’s been an hour, I win!

Spike: You’re right. I couldn’t find you.

Harmony: (coming behind him and throwing her arms around his neck) But I found you!

Spike: Right, shall we play again?

Harmony: okay! close you eyes, count to one hundred.

Spike: Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Harmony runs and hides behind the door but it suddenly bursts open and riley barges in.

Harmony: oh Spikey! you found me already! Did you cheat? now what'd you want to, (sees it's riley) ughhh!

Spike: (twirling around, standing up) Fishboy! Come for a visit eh? What's the matter, your robot dump you? She's a fickle one she is.

riley: (looking distraught) robot? uh I don't know what you're talking about.

Spike: Riight.

He turns around to face riley. At this point riley becomes so ashamed at his own fishy face that he dies of shame.

Spike: (looking very surprised) well, that was even easier than I was expecting shame, I was looking forward to good spot of violence before bedtime.

Harmony: Can I eat him?”

Spike: Fish boy? I wouldn't- his blood's too cheesy.

riley's body starts to rise. he sits up in a pile of his own slime in full fish form.

Spike: bloody hell.

Harmony: Euw! And I thought he was ugly before. And like oh my gosh he's still wearing that camo vest! Why? Why?

riley: i'm going to kill you now.

Harmony: What are you wearing? It smells like my hair products.

Spike: right, pretty, pretty fish boy.

Harmony: Euw! I didn't say he was pretty, cuz he is like so not.

riley: Didn't you hear me? I said i'm going to kill you now!

Harmony: Ooh Spikey, I'm so scared.

Spike: Oh I wish Buffy was here to help us!

They both burst out laughing.

riley lunges at Spike but misses and falls on the floor on his face.

riley: Wah! wah! I can't see!

Spike throws him into the wall and starts beating him in the face.

riley: wah, wah, wah! slurp, gurgle, slurp!

Spike picks up his fish body and kicks him into the wall. He is dead.

Spike: Ahh, well that was fun.

Harmony: Oh, not fair, you didn't let me have any.

riley's body starts to rise again.

Spike: Bloody hell, not again, I'm getting tired of killing you.

Harmony: Ooh can I kill him this time?

riley: i'd like to see you try.

Spike: Wouldn't we all?

One side of riley's head is flater than the other side, I mean even more so than usual.

Harmony walks over and grabs riley by his vest lapels and throws him into the wall.

riley charges at her and gives her a grand hit that barely grazes her shoulder. It does leave a sticky slime spot however.

Harmony screams and grabs a hunk of his hair. He shrieks and tries to bat her away with his outstretched hands.

riley: no, no no! not my hair! my beautiful hair! That's my best feature! I'm telling my mommy you were mean to me. We're in the army! We fight demons! You should all fear me!

Harmony: Oh yeah? Fight this!

She pulls his hair with all her Harmony vampire strength and pulls it off his head. It was a toupee all along.

riley: noooooooo!

the shock of losing his hair gives him a heart attack. He falls over dead. Harmony grabs him by the vest lapels and tosses him out the door. He bounces a couple times before he lands with a final thud. She grabs his hair and throws it out after him.

Spike: Nice work Harm.

Harmony: Yeah, well I've had a lot of practice.

She tries to wipe the hair off her hand but it is stuck there with strong glue like force.

Harmony: Oh my god!

Spike laughs.

Harmony: Spike this is like a total emergency! Get it off! Get it off!

scene

riley finds some glue in a garbage bin and glues his torn off hair to his head, he whimpers.

riley: sniff, they were mean to me, sniff sniff. Mommy? sniff, she’s gone. Bessie, sniff, she’s gone too. Buffy? I’ll find Buffy.

he begins walking towards the direction of Buffy’s old high school, on top of the hell mouth. Of course it’s not there, it was blown up with the mayor when he was a giant snake.

riley reaches the sight.

riley: Buffy! buffy! I’m hungry! make me some cheese. oh right, you’re not a cow. That was Bessie! Bessie, (he hits himself in his flathead.) Not Buffy, Bessie, BUFFY!

A ghost comes up behind him, it is Principal Snyder.

P S: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, so not the first thing you want to hear after you’ve been dead for a couple years.

riley turns around

riley: aah! (he jumps backward in fright.) Buffy?

PS: Yes, I’ve heard just about enough. (he takes riley’s arm) You’re coming to my office young man. I will not have this on my campus. This is a place of order, not some yelling place.

scene

The gang is going around all the usual hangouts armed with deadly bottles of soap. Buffy is distributing them.

Buffy: Xander, you guard your place, it showed up there right? Anya, you guard the magic shop, and Willow, you and Dawn take the University. Cordelia, I’m going to need you to take the dump.

Cordelia: Uh, why me,

Buffy: Do you want your hair gel back? Then do what I say.

Cordelia: ( muttering) I was never that bossy, but no, they all hated me.

Giles: Um Buffy, there was also a report of a sticky substance- the slime demon sort- at the Sunnydale Grocery, almost exclusively in the cheese aisle, people were stuck solid.

Buffy: cheese?... riley!

Giles: I beg your pardon?

Buffy: nothing, I gotta go find riley. You guys go guard. If you see the demon- spray it. Try to tie it up with something.

she runs off in the direction of the University campus. Buffy enters riley’s room, Forrest is lying dead, broken in half on the floor. The window is open and there is sticky sludge everywhere. Buffy gets caught in a bunch and wrestles free only by Slayer strength. She turns around to leave.

Scene

Principal Snyder grabs hold of riley's ear and drags him to his exploded office.

PS: what is this? I will not have this. You're on my campus buddy, you follow my rules.

riley: (fidgeting under grasp) Sir, please don't hurt my hair sir.

PS: you and that Buffy (grimaces at the name) are expelled. ooh pleasure moment, warm tingling sensation. These are the moments you treasure. It's not every day you get to expell Buffy Summers- no. It's a strictly once a year opportunity. I think I'll write a poem about it!

riley: I don't go here. I go to college where i'm in the army. You can't expel me.

PS: don't argue with me young man. (he twists his hair, riley shrieks) I'll give you a detention so fast it'll make your head spin, or in your case, tail. Now get out of my office.

He tries to push him out but his ear and hair are stuck to his hand.

PS: I said get out! This is my campus buddy and when I say I want you out I mean out.

riley is still stuck.

PS: That's it, I'm writing you a detention!

he pulls a detention slip out of his pocket and starts writing. He tosses it at riley but riley is still stuck to his hand.

PS: you're a slime demon aren't you?

He grabs a bar of soap out of his other pocket and sticks it in riley's mouth.

riley sputters and foams at the mouth. he falls dead on the ground of Snyder's charred office. Snyder picks him up and tosses him out.

PS: and don't forget your detention form! ( he tosses it out after him) Don't think you can blow off my detention young man. I expect you to be there rain or shine, dead or alive. This is my campus buddy and when I say detention, I mean detention.

scene

Buffy barges into Spike's crypt.

Buffy: where's riley?

Spike: God, why have you come back to torture me with that insipid name! I told you I don't give a beep*

Buffy punches him in the face.

Buffy: This is serious.

Spike: Ohhhh, it's you.

Buffy: of course it's me. I don't time to play your stupid games right now.

Spike: You know if I had a choice between you and the robot I think I'd choose the robot.

Buffy: you're disgusting.

Spike: Yeah, I am, I'm a disgusting monster. But at least I'm not shagging riley. The thought of that makes me want to heave.

Buffy: Euw gross Spike! I don't shag riley. Your buffybot? I programmed her to like him so I wouldn't have to.

Spike: You! I should've known it was you! Been nearly a day since you ruined my life last.

Buffy: Well at least I give you a whole day, that's more than you give me! Anyway, you don't have a life.

Spike: Like you're any better? Going out of your mind looking for your boyfriend, I'd rather be dead.

Buffy: You are dead. That's what I meant. And as I already told you I don't love riley- I want to find him so I can kill him.

Harmony lifts up the coffin lid she has been hiding under.

Harmony: Oh my god it's like the real Buffy! oh my god!

She slams the lid back down over her head again.

Buffy raises an eyebrow in surprise.

Spike: kill him do you?

Buffy: (annoyed) Ye-es!

Spike: I killed him already, twice, Harmony once. Swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

Buffy( looking really ticked): Could you have possibly told me that when I first walked in here?

Were you born this annoying or is it some kind of vampire thing?

Spike: What can I say babe? I've always been bad? Wanna see?

Buffy: And to that an extreme see you later.

She storms out, breaking the door off the hinges.

Harmony climbs out of the coffin.

Harmony: What did she say about me!

 

scene

Buffy is talking to Giles on the phone.

Buffy: I have no idea where riley is. he's the slime demon though for sure. Spike said he killed him- three times. I know that the slime demon is a cat fish right? So I'm thinking that they have nine lives. I'll just have to track him down and kill him a couple more times. Should be a party. Bring popcorn. Not the cheesy kind.

scene

Willow and Dawn reach the university.

Dawn: ooh massive stickage.

Willow: where?

Dawn: Oh I'm just guessing. (she points to camo dorm) there.

Willow: oh (gulps) I guess we should go there.

Dawn runs off in the direction of the room.

Willow: Dawny wait! You need soap! It's not safe!

Dawn runs on anyway into the dorm. Willow runs after her and trips over a body. She falls and gets a look at the body. It looks like Buffy.

Willow: Buffy! Oh my god! Buffy! No! No! Buffy!

She sits and mourns meanwhile Dawn enters the room. Dawn walks towards the center of the room looking around obliviously in wonder at the camoflage. She trips over forrest's body. And falls in some stick on the floor.

Dawn: Oh my god Buffy! BUFFY!

scene

riley gets up and treks to the bus station.

riley: i'm going home to Iowa. They have good cheese there. And they don't try to kill me- except for that one time...

The bus is called the Preyhound but as riley can't read he doesn't notice. he wonders why he is the only passenger but then that is usually the case with him. People normally smell him and run the other way.

riley tries to give the bus driver a penny but he shakes his head.

driver: this ride's free sonny!

riley's eyes bulge.

riley: oh goody! I can use this money to buy my girlfriend a gift. i'm going to get her a new cow bell! ( he whimpers), if I can find her! Oh Bessie! i'll find you!

driver: sit down sonny we're moving.

riley: oh, sorry.

riley sits. he likes to watch the farms as they roll past and look at all the cheesestalks and pretty young cows. They drive for hours and it turns dark. riley spies a particularly pretty cow. he stands up and hits his head on the hand rail.

riley: ooh is she single? 

Come back tomorrow for part 3!

 

Buffy episode

I wrote this ten years ago, eek! I really, really, really didn't like Buffy's boyfriend riley and refused to capitalize his name and also pondered whether he was in fact really a giant fish with a cow fetish.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The Fish Goes Squish
by Emily age 16

characters by Joss Whedon, not by me, I do not own them

    A mysterious force has been terrorizing, okay more like annoying, Sunnydale leaving everywhere it wreaks a slimey trail of supergoo that smells surprisingly like hair gel.
   

    Scene 1
    riley is sitting in Buffy’s room, weeping loudly.
   
riley: I just don’t understand it, why? why? Why did she hafta go? I just can’t believe it,     she was my everything. My…my beautiful, I cant believe she’s gone.

    he looks down at the floor and pounds his fist into the ground and wails
riley: Why grampa? why? Why did you have to sell Bessie? She was my favorite cow.     She gave me cheese, she only stepped on my head once. Okay, twice, but I’m     pretty sure it was an accident the first time!

Buffy: snore,zzzz, snore

    riley gets up in anger and clenches his hands into fists. He puts on his best pout face.
riley: Buffy! Do I bore you?
Buffy: (still asleep) uh huh
riley: So that’s how it is then. I’ve been pouring out my heart and soul to you. You don’t     love me, you never care about me, oh I miss my mommy. I was in the army, I     fought scary demons. I risk my neck everyday for you and you just…you just     don’t care what I have to say, Bessie was my only true love, she listened to me.
Buffy: snore, zzz

In a fit of anger riley jumps on the bed and starts attacking Buffy with his balled up fists. It takes her a couple minutes to wake up.

Buffy: riley, (she grabs his fist in her hand) that’s it, I’m going to tranquilize you.
riley, as if coming out of trance: oh Buffy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.
Buffy: you didn’t.
    She stands up and goes over to her dresser and grabs the tranquilizer dart.
riley: I just get so carried away when I think about my Bessie. Have you ever loved a     cow?
    Buffy stabs him in the arm with the dart.
riley: I like cheese.
    he falls asleep. Buffy sighs in relief.

Meanwhile we fade away to Cordelia’s apartment in LA. She is standing in front of the mirror in her bathroom, she opens the cabinet and screams.
Cordelia: Ahhhhhh! Euwwwwwww! Ohmygod what happened to my hair gel?
She turns to go look for it but is stuck to the floor. She tries to lift her right foot in vain, then her left. Her feet come out of the shoes and she falls backward against the wall.

Cordelia: As if I would leave my shoes.
    She gets a spatula from the kitchen and tries scraping them out of the gunk. The spatula breaks in her hands. She stares at it in horror.

Scene 3
Buffy is patrolling in the woods with Willow
Buffy: so there was this slimy, sticky stuff, all over my floor, and on my bed, it was     covered.
Willow: Maybe it was a slime demon.
Buffy: It smelled like something, something familiar.
Willow: You want me to do a memory spell for your smell? ha ha smell spell.
Buffy: I can’t quite put my finger on it. But it’s defiantly something I should know.

A vampire jumps out from behind a gravestone; Buffy stakes it through the heart while they are walking.

Buffy: it was disturbing (she looks down at her stake, Mr. Pointy) it was disturbing that it     knows where I live and it could keep terrorizing me. And others, not riley, but     people I care about.
Willow: riley still being a doof?
Buffy: riley is a doof Will, That’s just what he is. It’s not like he can stop being one.
Willow: We should talk to Giles. Maybe he knows how to kill it.
Buffy: Yeah. I know riley’s human and all but maybe Giles can find some way around     the no killing humans rule.
Willow: I was talking about the slime demon.
Buffy: Oh, I thought you meant the big bad.

Scene 4
In Spike’s crypt. There is Spike, Harmony and the Buffybot

Buffybot: where is riley? I must find riley. I love riley. I must find him. Right now. Get     out of my way please.
Spike: Bloody hell, someone’s been messing with my robot.
Harmony: you love that robot more than me.
Spike:     Well, yeah.
Buffybot: Have you seen riley?
Harmony: Go have your stupid riley, have your stupid riley and get out! You cant have my spikey.
Buffybot: I must find riley. Goodbye.
Spike: You’re not going anywhere.
(he grabs her wrist)
Buffybot: (throws him off) You are evil. riley fights evil. I must find riley. I love riley.
she leaves
Spike: yelling after her. Wait, come back. You love me. I programmed you. You love me!
Harmony: (coming over to him) Whore. (rests her head on his shoulder) I wonder if I could have bitten her. Mmm slayer bits.
Spike: She’s a robot you blit. They don’t have blood or bits. Anyway I tried it. Now she left me just like real life. fishboy!
Harmony: Oh Spikey you can bite me!
Spike: Urrr

Scene 5
The Buffybot makes its way across town to riley’s dorm at Sunnydale University. Along the way she meets Willow.

Buffybot: Have you seen riley?
Willow: riley? He’s probably in his dorm. You know, camouflage wallpaper and whatnot.
Buffybot: Thank you. You are my friend. I must find riley.
Willow: (nervously) Yeah uh, Buffy, um maybe we should wait to talk to Giles before we do anything too drastic and stuff.
Buffybot: Giles is my watcher.
Willow: He is. And as a watcher he is supposed to watch and make sure you don’t do anything bad like killing humans and stuff.
Buffybot: You have red hair. I can tell because I have eyes.
Willow: Just don’t kill riley, okay? I know he’s annoying and not for him, but for you.
Buffybot: I’m not going to kill riley, I’m going to love him.
Willow: oh? really. well. you, um do that. I have to get to class. I’ll see you later. bye.
(she runs off).
Buffybot: Bye.
she continues walking, now to the ugly camouflage dorm room where riley habitats.  She knocks on the door. riley open it.
riley: (surprised) oh Buffy, hi. Come in.
Buffybot enters the room. It is completely camouflaged, the bed, the curtains, the wallpaper, Forrest- riley’s roommate is wearing camouflage pajamas and sitting on one of the camouflage beds.
riley: Thanks for coming Buffy. I’m sorry for what happened earlier with…Bessie. Don’t think I love her more than you…I don’t. I love you equally.
Buffybot: I love you too riley.
riley: what, you…you do?
Buffybot: You’re my boyfriend.
riley: I am.
Buffybot: You like cheese.
riley: (delighted) Why yes! Yes I do! I’m glad you finally understand!
Buffybot: I’m gonna love you.
Forrest gets up and goes over to the door. He glares at the Buffybot.
Forrest: You kids make me sick! (he leaves and slams the door)
Buffybot: let’s love each other riley.
riley: oh jeez, sorry Buffy. Did we have plans? I have to go driving.
Buffybot: In a car?
riley: Yeah, I like four wheeling. Maybe go to the cheese store, get some cheese.
Buffybot: You’re leaving me?
(her computer screen flashes up, a little bulls-eye: riley finn, boyfriend, love. at the bottom, in red, boxed, capital letters: REJECTION)
Buffybot: Grr. (she steps forward menacingly.)
riley backs away frightened.
riley: you understand. I like cheese.
Buffybot: you like cheese more than me?
riley: Well…yeah. I love cheese.
Buffybot: grr.
she grabs riley by the collar of his ugly camo vest and throws him out the window. He lands on the ground, he is dead. Forrest comes back into the room.
Forrest: What? you think I would just leave and let my friend waste away his life on you? Real friends don’t do that. You know, riley had a future, he had a career till he met you and yeah I got a problem with that. If you wanna get to riley you gotta go through me.
he steps in front of the window. Buffybot steps towards him.
Forrest: (backing up) Um…say…where is riley anyway?
Buffybot: Bored now.
she picks up Forrest and breaks him in half, she leaves.
Back outside to riley’s dead body. It is arising.
riley: You think that’s enough to get me? You thought I was just a fish but I’m actually a cat fish, bahahahaha, Cat fish have nine lives! I have eight more. It won't be this easy next time!
A tractor runs over him.
riley gets up again and morphs into full fish form.
riley: ok, 7. Now for some cheese.
behind him there is a small sticky puddle of hairgel smelling slime.




TO BE CONTINUED...

Plagarisms

A Death in the Family
by James Agee

"When he was nearly asleep Rufus heard once more the crumpling of freight cars, and deep in the night he heard the crumpling of subdued voices and the words, “Naw: I’ll probably be back before they’re asleep”: then the quick feet creaking quietly downstairs. But by the time he heard the creaking and departure of the Ford, he was already so deeply asleep that it seemed only part of a dream, and by next morning when his mother explained to them why his father was not at breakfast, he had so forgotten the words and the noises that years later, when he remembered them, he could never be sure that he was not making them up."


mine
In the middle of the night Rufus awoke to whispers in the next room, his parents room, the words barely audible over the whir of the cars on the street below and the whir of the clock on the dresser above: “Naw, don’t’ wake em, I’ll be back before they’re asleep,” then the shuffle, click of feet down the stairs, two sets, and the door, then only one set back up. Rufus was so sleepy he thought he was asleep and the words and noises were part were part of some dream, so that the next morning when his mother told him why his father was not at breakfast that morning, he was as surprised as Catherine, and years later whenever he remembered that night he could never be sure if it was a dream or real.

100 Years of Solitude
by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

“Many years later as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice. At the time Macondo was a village of twenty adobe houses. The world was so recent that many things lacked names, and in order to indicate them it was necessary to point. Every year during the month of March a family of ragged gypsies would set up their tents near the village, and with a great uproar of pipes and kettledrums they would display new inventions. First they brought the magnet...Melquiades...went from house to house dragging two metal ingots and everybody was amazed to see pots, pans, tongs and braziers tumble down from their places and beams creak from the desperation of nails and screws trying to emerge, and even objects that had been lost for a long time appear from where they had been searched for most and went dragging along in turbulent confusion behind Melquiades’ magical irons...
Inside there was only an enormous, transparent block with infinite needles in which the light of the sunset was broken up into colored stars. ...
‘It’s the largest diamond in the world.”
“No,” the gypsy countered. “It’s ice.”
“This is the greatest invention of our time.” ”

mine
Only after the mules around him had fallen down in convulsions did Colonel Leononda Mulatio remember the strange man in brown at the dinner table. They were passing through Grenido, the town of twenty springs. They were so refreshed the mules had regained their baby teeth and in order to ride one it was necessary to ride two. Every year the army passed through here on the way to the world, carrying guns and oatmeal cans the younger men pounded on like bongo drums. The first wave brought the horses, such strong horses they led the entire town away, the young men, the slightly younger ones, the slightly older ones and even the young girls and boys in arms followed after them into the street until their mothers came and held them back, howling because they could not ride the horsey.
Colonel Leononda Mulatio led the second wave of mules. Around the dinner fire that night there had been all of his men and mules talking about all they had left behind until he could not see anything in front of them, the sunset danced on the flames of the fire until it went out, hiding the strange man in brown behind a smoky haze as thick as the stories.
“That’s the best story I ever heard.”
“No,” his last man countered, “it was real.”
“I think I’m going to be sick.”

Online Job Applications

I sat down this morning to fill out a few online job applications. No big deal, you just upload your resume- should speak for itself, right?

Even though I uploaded my resume for some reason I still had to put every single thing on my resume into one of their little boxes on the next page. I mean- name of employer, when did you work there, what did you do? what did you get paid when you started? when you left? what was your supervisor's name? telephone number? relationship status? I clicked submit and an hour glass popped up- turned itself over a few times. I thought I’d be done but instead a window box popped up, “loading assessment.” And then the page which was called Pre Employment Assessment.

“Question 1 of 60

“It is okay to steal from my employer.”

Do you

Strongly Agree

Agree

Disagree

or

Strongly Disagree

with this statement?”

I was sure I had read it wrong. I read it over and again, and again, trying to figure out what I had missed. Finally I just clicked strongly disagree with a sinking heart. It was too easy. I must be missing something. Was I not cut out for the world of pizza?

I clicked next.

“Question 2 of 60

Some people just can’t be trusted?

Do you:

Strongly Agree

Agree

Not Sure

Disagree

Strongly Disagree?”

I spent like ten minutes trying to decide if I should agree or disagree or strongly do something. Did they want me to trust everyone or not? I mean to have good customer service you have to pretend to trust people- saying I agreed could come across as paranoid. On the other hand saying you trust everyone could mean you weren’t on the watch for shoplifters and thieves so saying I disagreed could be bad too.

X Not sure. 

Question 3 of 60 “I had lots of friends in high school.” Wait- what? That one required a fourth and fifth reading. I looked at the clock and it was already eleven! This was harder than the SATs.  Of course it didn’t really matter though what I would put. It mattered what an ideal employee of Pizza Shed would put. But was it good or bad to have friends? Bad- friends were a distraction from work. Good- friends meant people liked you and would buy pizza from you. I buried my forehead in his hands. Why had I even gotten up this morning? Finally I just closed my eyes and clicked one, I don’t know which one I put. I guess it doesn’t matter.

“ Question 4: Politicians are dishonest.” Okay they were just trying to trick me now. Close eyes and click. “Question 5: I like being told what to do, It would not bother me to work with difficult people all day long, I would like a job that is repetitive where I make little pay.” Then 52 more questions asking the exact same things but with the words in different orders until I couldn’t distinguish the agrees from the disagrees. I finished only fifty five minutes later. All these questions had something to do with pizza in some way that I hadn’t been able to figure out yet. I probably didn’t answer the way someone who would make a perfect pizza serving employee would answer. They weren’t going to call me.

With heavy shoulders I decided to go a different route and apply at a shoe store next.

Strengths: “perseverance,”

Weakness: “none of your business.”

I clicked next. “Loading question section.” No. no! nonononono, NOOOOOO!

I couldn’t believe it- they had the exact same sixty question assessment but in a different order. So apparently these questions also applied to working with shoes.

Question 17 of 60. “I keep my calm in high stress situations.” Gahh! I wanted to cry. I wanted to find the person that wrote this stupid test and ram their head into a wall and knock all their teeth out. Bleed! Bleed! Bleed!

“ X Strongly Agree.”

At least that one was easy.

I hate tricky ones that are all,

Question 23, “It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free.”

Agree? Disagree? There was no not sure button on this test! I just don’t understand what this has to do with shoes? Or anything? If I say no I probably like getting away with crimes myself, if I say yes I’m a pessimist who doesn’t have any faith in our legal system.

Agree still seemed like the better choice. Not strongly however and I’m nervous about that one. I probably won’t get a phone call now on that one either. Oh great now it is two o clock. 

Some books I love

Why are all books I love kids books?

There's a Boy in the Girls' Bathroom
by Louis Sachar
 Bradley Chalkers is a left behind fifth grader that will struggle to see the light of middle school and no one (including any of his teachers) likes very much. It's hard to blame them as when the new kid tries to befriend him at the end of chapter one he threatens to spit on him unless he gives him a dollar. Bradley's best friends are his collection of animal figurines. He tells pretty realistic albeit outrageous kid lies that no adult in their right mind would believe but his mother seems to want to. Bradley hates going to the new school counselor, hates it! or does he...
One of the reasons I loved this book so much when I was a kid was because the girls beat boys up. Aside from that violence this is the sweetest book I know, and just as importantly- funny!
"All those books. And they're all different aren't they?...They're all different, but they all use practically the same words. They just put them in a different order...Just twenty six letters, all they do is move those letters around and then they say so many different things!"

Jennifer Murdley's Toad
by Bruce Colville
Jennifer is am ordinary, homely, ten year old girl. She gets teased at school for looking like a horse and wearing her brother's underwear and cries when she sees Barbie doll commercials on TV. Then she stumbles into Mr. Elive's magic shop and acquires a toad named Bufo. Bufo talks- rudely, is enchanted with a magical jewel in his forehead, is being chased by a witch, can't be returned and manages to turn the prettiest girl in Jennifer's class into a toad all in one day.
I wanted to be Jennifer's friend when I read this, I wanted to live in her world, I wanted to stumble into Mr. Elive's magic shop one day and get my own talking toad never mind the amount of trouble he caused in this book.  For me this book was about friendship. For that unbreakable bond that comes from going through an ordeal like this I would do anything!
" "If this works out, I expect that I'll have many assignments for you in the future."
 She smiled into the darkness. It was going to be an interesting life. Maybe even a beautiful one."


Summer of my German Soldier
by Bette Greene
Patty is a 12 year old Jewish girl growing up the south during world war 2. Her parents are pretty rotten awful to her for some unknown reason. She helps out at her dad's store and when some POW's come in she strikes up a conversation with one. Later she sees the same POW running for but missing a train and offers to take him in their mother-in- law apartment. 
A lot of people don't understand this book. This is not a YA, it's a kids' book which means that the two main leads- a guy and a girl don't have to fall in love. That is good since the girl is 12 and the guy is 22. You couldn't write this book today without everyone lambasting you for purporting inappropriate relationships but that is one of the things I like most about it. It's a very innocent, sweet friendship between a 22 year old and a 12 year old, oh yeah and the guy is a German soldier and the girl is Jewish. Probably another reason this book gets criticized a lot is because it raises uncomfortable questions- like can a girl's father be as evil as Hitler?
"The difference between the two men may have more to do with their degrees of power than their degrees of cruelty. One man is able to affect millions and the other only a few. Would your father's cruelty cause him to crush weak neighboring states? Or would the Fuhrer's cruelty cause him to beat his own daughter?" 

Speak Plagarism

from Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson

"It is my first morning of high school. I have seven new notebooks, a skirt I hate, and a stomachache.
The kids behind me laugh so loud I know they’re laughing about me. I can’t help myself. I turn around. It’s Rachel, surrounded by a bunch of kids wearing clothes that most definitely did not come from the Eastside Mall. Rachel Bruin, my ex best friend. She stares at something above my left ear. Words climb in my throat. This was the girl who suffered through Brownies with me, who taught me to swim, who understood about my parents, who didn’t make fun of my bedroom. If there is anyone in the entire galaxy I’m dying to tell what really happened, it’s Rachel. My throat burns.
Her eyes meet mine for a second. “I hate you.” she mouths silently. She turns her back to me and laughs with her friends. I bite my lip. I’m not going to think about it. It was ugly but it’s over, and I’m not going to think about it. My lip bleeds a little. It tastes like metal. I need to sit down.

The friendly momentum keeps Rachel/Rachelle and Andy walking all the way to the hall. I face a corner and pretend to study algebra. I figure that’s enough to make me unrecognizable. They sit on the floor, Rachel/Rachelle in a full lotus. Andy steals Rachel/Rachelle’s notebook. She whines like a baby and throws herself across his lap to get it back. I shiver with goosebumps. He tosses the notebook from one hand to the other, always keeping it just out of her reach. Then he says something to her. I can’t hear it. The hall sounds like a packed football stadium. His lips move poison and she smiles and then kisses him wet. Not a girl scout kiss. He gives her the notebook. His lips move. Lava spills out my ears. She is not any part of a pretend Rachelle- chick. I can only see third grade Rachel who liked barbecue potato chips and who braided pink embroidery thread into my hair that I wore for months until my mom made me cut it out. I rest my forehead against the prickly stucco.
Maya Angelou watches me, two fingers on the side of her face. It is an intelligent pose. Maya wants me to tell Rachel."

mine

It is not my first party. I had jeans that I liked, lipstick that made me look older, three temporary tattoos and a stomachache.
I still have a stomachache. And it gets worse. I’m not going to tell them.
Everyone is laughing behind me and having a good time. I pretend I’m busy, looking for the bathroom. When I find it I might slip inside, stay for a while, heave my insides into the toilet. I want Charlene to find me, but she’s too busy with her friends to notice I am gone. Charlene, my best friend forever, my xbff, we used to go to the bathroom together, did everything together, spent all the time together, until our first party together when she left for a couple minutes too long.
“You’re just different now,” she’d said a couple weeks later. “It’s like you’re no fun anymore.”
I tried to, I really did, but I couldn’t tell her, the one time something happened to me when she wasn’t there. I couldn’t tell her what happened in that minute she was gone. I closed my eyes and in another minute she was gone again.
I close my eyes now so hard it hurts. My eyelashes are glued together. I have to pry them apart to open my eyes.
Charlene is sitting with him now. He busts through her chain of friends like they are nothing. She does not mind, does not mind at all like she would if it were me. I know because she is batting her eyelashes at him, she has nice ones, not stuck together, long and thick. He runs his fingers through her hair. I hide in the bathroom doorway and have a stomachache. I draw my knees up to my chest, so they will not see me, taking up as little space as possible.
Charlene reaches for her soda. He grabs it first and holds it up in the air. She oohes over him like a baby and reaches up at him. He laughs and whispers in her ear. I can’t hear- my head is like a packed stadium. He holds the soda up to her lips and lets her drink, then she kisses him like he is the soda. He tickles her. My eyes burn. She giggles. I don’t see last year, all I can see is fifth grade and that same giggle when we listened to songs with swear words in them for the first time, and dressed up in our big sister’s clothes and walked home around the high school pretending we were teenagers.
I have a headache. I sink back into the bathroom.
There’s a girl in the mirror. She watches me and frowns. “You should tell Charlene,” she mouths silently, no words come out.