Big Mouth Ugly Girl

Big Mouth Ugly Girl plagiarism

Big Mouth Ugly Girl by Joyce Carol Oates

"Dear Ursula,

I saw you in school yesterday. Not seeing me. Or if you did you looked right through me. (Maybe I'm a ghost?)
Ok- I understand. (I guess) Big Mouth Donaghy isn't cool and Ursula Riggs is one of Rocky Rover's coolest individuals.
(I'm not going to harrass you like some nut, I promise. This is the final time I will write.)
(It's just...I'm so lonely.)
I think people wanted me- or somebody- to be the psychoterrorist. When it didn't turn out they were--are-- dissapointed.
Ursula who were the "witnesses" who reported me? Do you know? I keep asking myself: Did they hate me so much? Did they really really HATE ME SO MUCH? Or-- did they think they were reporting the truth?
Ursula Riggs is cool because: 1) You don't give a damn for them. Their false eyes and smiling mask faces. 2) You are YOU. Everybody respects that.
I never used to be lonely at home, but now I hate them talking to me. They act like I'm sick. They want me to see a shrink. (Sure! "For the record.") Maybe I can get a prescription for Prozac, like mom. She says it "helps her cope."
My dad is away a lot and when he's home he is tired and distracted. He blames me (I know) for jeopardizing the name DONAGHY. I know that dad and mom are ashamed of me though they're careful not to say it to my face.
It's true. Except for Big Mouth non of this trouble would have happened.
My heart is a stone and I like the feeling. I guess they think I'm "depressed". I'm not, I am only now seeing the TRUTH.
I wish you could be my friend Ursula. The girls I used to know I don't trust now. You're different- you're not a "girl" like them.
Even your name- URSULA. It's special.
(Ok, I'm through. I promise I won't write again.)
Your Friend, Matt Donaghy

It was two forty seven am. Matt was hunched over his computer, sweaty and anxious. He'd wasted hours clicking around on the internet looking for people worse off than himself , and now this crazy dorky letter to Ursula Riggs- this was the weirdest behavior yet.
Matt reread his email to Ursula and decided not to click SEND but DELETE.
Are you sure? Y/N
Y. Matt was sure.
If the guys had known, they'd have approved.


mine

Dear Ursula,
Thanks for writing me back. I haven't been feeling too well lately. (maybe I am diseased?) Everyone is treating me like I AM A DISEASE.
Except you. You are the only one who writes me back. Did you know none of my so called "friends" even write me back anymore? I feel all alone except for you. You are special. You know me like my friends never will. Even my family-- they are all willing to believe the worst about me from some strangers. You don't even know me yet-- you know me, you know?
It's funny to think people don't trust me now when I'm the one who does not trust THEM.
My parents are always talking about me when they think I can't hear (or maybe they know I can). They say I am DIFFERENT, whatever that means.
You are DIFFERENT but no one would dare say that to you as a negative thing. That's why you are the coolest girl in school- you are a not a "girl" like them.
Well I am not a "boy" anymore-- my mom says, but she doesn't think I am a man. (I know. I can tell) I don't know what that makes me. (I know I am not a woman.) An alien maybe?
I think if there were aliens on Earth you would be the one who knew how to talk to them. I guess that's why I am talking to you and no one else.
Well I guess I'm through rambling for now. (I'm not but I don't want you to get too bored.)
Your friend Matt Donaghy


Dear Matt:
U r is the alien whisperer :0
Don't be so crazy.

Miracles

We started in a truck. Nolan and me were both born in the same truck going to the same hospital on the exact same day four years apart. I think that if we would’ve had the same dad God would have made us twins. But since we didn’t I am lots older and Nolan is lots smaller.
He’s sleeping on the bed. I like on the floor and watch him. He looks happy when he’s sleeping. I like to pretend he’s normal.
He’s so small though, I’m scared. He’s getting smaller and smaller and he was already small because he’s only nine. Pretty soon he’ll be so small I wont be able to see him without a microscope.
Maybe it’ll stop. I close my eyes really tight and imagine Nolan really big, he’s a huge basketball player. I hope really bad that he will get well. I say a prayer before bed.
Dear God please bring a miracle and save Noley.
The moon comes in the room suddenly through a crack in the blinds and shines on his face. I feel very better. In my dreams he stands up again and he’s taller than me. Maybe he’ll be an astronaut and I’ll look at him through a telescope instead.
Nolan wakes up when the sun wakes up and he cries. He wakes me from sleep. He is all my dreams awake.
“Noley,” I sit up, “it’s ok.” I think he hurts bad sometimes.
I hug him hard. “I’m never going to let go.” If I never let go he could never leave me. I think I can feel him getting smaller the longer I hug him. I hope the miracle works soon but then again it’s never too late when it’s a miracle.
“Let’s go play,” I put him in the wheelchair and wheel him around. I wheel him everywhere because he can’t use his arms anymore.
Today we go to the store, the beach and the park. He likes to see and hear everything. I like to see and hear him.
When I put him to bed at night he clings around my neck and tries to hug me. He can only half do it. I hug him back twice as hard to make up.
His voice trembles when he talks. It’s something that started a little while ago and keeps getting worse. He buries his face into my shoulder and I hold him like I will never let go.
“I don’t want to leave,” he cries.
“I’ll never leave you,” I say,” I’ll stay with you forever.”
“I know. I’ll leave you.”
Sometimes he wakes up in the night and finds my hand wherever it is. He squeezes so tight he feels strong to me. I know he will always find me.

The next day is Monday. Monday is a no fun day because Nolan doesn’t like going to school. He’s in fourth grade. I’m in eighth. I ride the little bus to school with him every morning. It is the bus that only picks up disabled kids.
Nolan used to like school before he lived in the wheelchair. I think it used to make him feel normal. Nolan wants to be normal almost as much as he wants to live. But now he screams every time mom tries to get him to school.
“I don’t need school,” he says, “I’m going to die.” Mom doesn’t know how to deal with him.
I however know how to work him. “Everyone’s going to die.” I kneel down where I am eye level with him in his wheelchair and can look into his clear brown eyes. They are so perfect yet all wrong.
“You wouldn’t want to die stupid would you?” I ask. Which is impossible, he is already not stupid. “You have to learn as much as you can before you die because that is the only knowledge you can use in Heaven.”
“Really?”
“That’s why we’re alive.”
“Well I don’t believe you,” he says. “You’re lying. You’re just trying to get me to school and I don’t wanna go.”
O f course I am lying. I don’t care anything about school. I only care about him.
“Well then do it for me.”
He would do anything for me. I know he would. I would do anything for him and I do everything I can. That’s why he loves me. Mom doesn’t understand this.
“You’re a miracle Darcy,” she says when I help my brother on the bus.
I believe in miracles but I am not one. I cannot even save my brother. She is wrong.

In summer I stay with Nolan all the time. He is smaller now. When he was weak I stay with him in his room. I lay a cot by the bed and close my eyes and see prettier pictures. I never want to leave.
Nolan wants to leave. He talks about the pictures behind his eyes.
“I drive that truck all across the world and swim over the water. I deliver things. Food to starving people and medicine to sick people and toys to poor kids. I make everyone happy.”

When Nolan has trouble breathing he just gasps and coughs. But now he is too weak to cough, he suffocates.
“Mom!” I yell, “mom!”
Mom calls the paramedics. Nolan’s respiratory muscles are failing.
Nolan is very white and when mom is off the phone he is passed out.
When the ambulance arrives paramedics put him on a stretcher and take him away in the ambulance car.
“I want to go with him,” I say as the ambulance siren blares away. A little late now I realize. I feel so bad.
“We’re going right now,” my mother says. She is putting on her coat.
“Go get your shoes.”
“But I told him I’d never leave him,” I whine.
“Darcy, he’s unconscious,
Let’s just pray this isn’t the end.”
Dear God please save my brother.

It is not the end, not the very end.
They have Nolan hooked up to machines in the patient ward. Machines that help him breathe, machines that monitor the machines that breathe and machines that monitor the machines that monitor the machines that breathe.
Nolan is conscious now. He says it doesn’t hurt. But now it’s hard for him to talk and he stumbles over words and even sounds kind of, well, drunk.
Not that I would know.
Grandma’s come to visit, both of them and grandpa too. Then there’s my father’s brother and this really annoying cousin of mine named Becca whom I’ve never met.
“Go take Becca to meet Nolan,” my mother instructs me.
When we go down the hall she looks so bored and so totally uninterested and I want to make her cry.
“Hey Nolan,” I say when we enter his room, “this is our cousin Becca. Can you say hi?”
He tries for me. “H-h-hhi b-b-be-cc-ca.”
She bursts into tears and has to leave. It is just what I wanted. Except then he makes me cry too when he tries to say hi to me.

I read to him. I sing to him sometimes to help him fall asleep. He dreams of trucks and oceans and saving the world. I still dream of him.
He is so scared of death I think. He is scared of being by himself. He is so weak and when I hold him, so small. I try to comfort him but I know nothing of what’s coming for him and I know nothing of what is coming for me either. I am so scared of being by myself.
It astonishes me how little I know and I’m so powerless. My brother has more power than me and he is so weak. He has power though, like to change things. He changes me. And I cannot even change myself.

Still when we close our eyes we are anywhere in the world. When Nolan closes his eyes we are anything in the world. We close our eyes sometimes so hard it hurts. And maybe it is a miracle, that we can close our eyes and make everything okay.
“Do you see what I see Nolan? I see you. I see you and me forever. There is nothing in the world I love more than you. You are all my hopes, all my dreams, all my prayers and every miracle.” I love nothing else in the world.

Christmas music

It's the worst time of the year! to work in retail...

And I don't mean that because of the extra stress of customers that would trample over your dead body if you were lying in front of a flat screen, I mean that solely because of the Christmas music. 
I'm not like the grinch, I have this one Christmas CD I like- it's a choir of actual good singers and it sounds actually good but the songs they play at work...
Well let's just say that when I get to walk through the Young Men's and Junior's department and they are playing Justin Beiber and Nickleback (non Christmas songs! oh God, don't even want to imagine, there just did, @#$%) I actually breathe a sigh of relief... I know. That was hard to admit. But they are really that bad!
A bad Christmas song can happen to anyone. I heard one at work I could have sworn was U2, and a version of 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' that sounded remarkably like Bif Naked. Bono- I have lost all respect for you.
You have to be an amazing singer to pull off the classic Christmas songs- that's just the kind of songs they are. And the not so classic ones? Well even an amazing singer shouldn't touch those lyrics with a ten foot pole.
Example- Santa Baby
Someone is actually flirting with Santa. I think she's actually trying to prostitute herself out for a yacht- and really that's not a lot! clever. I could be oh so good if you would just cross off my Christmas list! How is this work appropriate? And an even better question- why is there a version of a guy singing Santa Baby?  And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

Last Christmas I hated this song but the very next year Petsmart AND Macy's played it every hour anyway, next year to save me from tears I hope I don't work in retail...

and then,

In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he's a circus clown...
I wish that I had made that one up, but no, that is the actual lyric. I assume because it rhymes with town although I can't tell you how many times I've built a snowman and thought wouldn't it be cool if I pretended this hunk of snow was a circus clown. Errr, okaaay

Now I'm going to go find refuge in the teen clothing section and they're at minute 77 of their endless two hour loop.
Tonight let's get some and live like we're young!
Ahhh! Is it bad that all I can think of is Santa Baby?
Sigh, good music is just not work appropriate I guess.
 

Bufflight

While we're on the topic here is my Buffy meets Twilight screenplay!

Stephanie Meyer is riding around on her bike, with witch’s hat
Stephanie: Hi, I’m Stephanie Meyer.
she sees Bella walking like a normal girl, laughing, singing lalala,
Stephanie: Kapoof, (she snaps her fingers, points magic wand at Bella)
Bella falls over.
Edward runs over to help her up and almost bites her neck before he can Stephanie points her wand at him, poof. His fangs fall out and he is covered in glitter.
Stephanie goes home and writes
Stephanie: “Dear Diary, today I performed a lot of spells on people, and vampires, It was fun. I’d like to write a story about them.” She scribbles furiously
later, “What do you think I should call it? What?” Bends down, puts ear to diary, “Oh, good idea.”

Holds up sign, Twilight

Stephanie goes around house to house ringing doorbells holding her book, they all slam shut.
Stephanie: I need a new spell.
Later, in woods, churning cauldron,
Stephanie:“Double, Bubble, doily trouble, Everyone in America will wake up tomorrow and think that Twilight is the best book ever written!” 
Boom Crash, Thunder.

Scene
Bella is trying to run away from mob, “ohmygod, it’s Bella, ohmygod, Twilight!”
She trips every other step. 
Bella: Oh, I hate being famous,”
She runs, trips, gets up, runs past sign that says ‘Sunnydale- former home of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, RIP’. Bella runs in.
Edward and his hot sister follow her. They can be seen lurking in the trees.

Xander runs into Edward's sister later.
Xander: Whoa!
 Xander almost runs into her, stops, jumps.
 “You look hot in town, I mean, new in town!”
Edward is watching him mysteriously, Xander shrieks and runs away.

Scene School
Edward is new at Sunnydale high, he watches Xander.
Xander: That Edward thinks he so hot, just cuz everyone thinks he’s hot, like we should all be impressed because his skin glows in the sun,”
Edward: Hey Xander.
Xander: HuH! He knows my name!
Hiiiiii, will you ask your sister out for me?
Edward: Oh, I don’t know, She might be too old for you
Xander: ohh, I’m older than you think.
Edward: that’s what I was going to say!
Xander: How old are you?
Edward: 17
Xander: 17?
Edward: But I’ve been that old for awhile...
Xander: Oh me too, I’m 25...
Edward: 25? wow, and you’re still in high school?
Xander: Eleven years and counting
Edward: Oh, wow, that is longer than me, okay then.

Scene Edward and sister’s house

Xander rings the doorbell, while he is waiting for Edward’s hot sister to come out he finds some disturbing things on the front porch, a magazine subscription to Emo Vampires Weekly and some drawings of Buffy and Bella sleeping.
Xander: Wait a minute...I know these girls, that one’s Buffy, my best friend before she died and that’s that famous girl- with the tipsy topsy disease, why has he got a picture of them sleeping?
Edward is out glistening in the sun when Xander arrives, three miles away. He hears Xander’s mutterings and comes running over to swoop down on top of him in only three seconds.
Edward: Actually it was a gift from Angel, he read about me and was inspired, he really wanted to creep out Buffy big time.
Xander: And this girl? he holds up picture of Bella
Edward: Oh, yeah, that one’s mine.
Xander: And the magazine, is that yours?
Edward: Oh, you weren’t supposed to see that!
Xander: But, but, you can't be a vampire- I saw you, you were in the sun.
Edward: I know, wasn’t I hot?
Xander: So, you’re saying you’re hot because you’re a vampire? Ohh, that makes non sense, non sense makes my brain hurt. Ohh, I need Buffy!
Edward: Wait- the vampire slayer? No, we don’t need her.
Xander: Oh yeah? I’m going to summon her from the dead.
Stephanie Meyer appears in Edward’s ear, she is speaking to him from miles away.
Stephanie: Edward, stop him!
Edward: You know, you should be scared of me, I’m dangerous.”
Edward reaches out to stop Xander but Xander pulls his hair.
Edward: Ow, oh gosh, let go, please, ow, ow!
Xander runs off, Edward is hunched over on the porch saying ow.

Xander runs to get Willow. On the way there Stephanie gets worried so she sends her bad book demons to “take care” of Xander. Bad Book demons look like giant books with legs that walk around and spew out things written in them like “he was interesting and brilliant and mysterious and perfect and beautiful and possibly able to life full sized vans with one hand.” and “his voice was like melting honey,” and “it was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real,” and “ohmygod, drool, drool Now!”
Xander was drooling, his run had slowed to a stumble, he couldn’t remember where he was, or why he was there, he went to sleep with the book demons dancing and chanting around him. Edward comes to watch him sleep.
When he wakes up it‘s dark.
Xander:" Wow, that was a good dream, I dreamed Edward was watching me sleep, he’s so dreamy," Xander spots Edward lurking in the trees. "Ahhh!" Xander runs away.
Edward: "You’re scared of me because you don't want to admit how you really feel about me!" Edward yells after him. "You should be scared of me, mumble, I keep telling everyone that and they never listen,"

Xander is running off in direction of the magic shop where Willow is. They are selling Twilight books in the window, Xander buys them all, and a T shirt with Edward’s face on it, and a Twilight bagel.
He walks over to Willow wearing the shirt, already on the last book, eating the bagel.
Xander: Wow, you guys gotta read this.
Willow: Uh Xander? Are you reading Twilight?
Xander:" It’s Breaking Dawn!" Xander spits out bit of bagel at her.
Willow: oh, sorry, uh, why?
Xander: Because master, I mean Edward, is hot!
Willow: Master? Why did you call him master? gasp, Is Edward a vampire?
Xander: The vampire.
Willow: Oh no, I wish Buffy was here to help us.
There’s a picture of Anya on the wall, “Done”

Buffy stumbles in like a zombie.
Buffy: Guys? What’s going on?
Willow: Buffy? Runs over and hugs Buffy, I’m so glad you’re here, you hafta kill Edward, he’s a vampire and he’s taking control of Xander.
Buffy: What? What are you talking about. I don’t even know who Edward is.
Willow: Edward, from Twilight, we thought he was just a giant disco ball but we were wrong, very wrong, he’s a vampire and he’s dangerous, just like he’s been telling us all along, he’s taken control of Xander!
Buffy: What’s twilight?
Xander gasps.
Willow: What? Have you been dead?
Buffy: Yes.
Willow runs over to Xander and grabs the book and brings it to Buffy, she opens it in front of her eyes.
Buffy: "What? I don’t want this!", flails arms, "I was in Heaven, and you pulled me out for this?" She lays her head on the table and cries.
Stephanie descends on them and begins reciting a spell.
Stephanie: Double Double toil, trouble, heard my word, Twilight is da bomb light,
Buffy kicks out her foot and kicks her down.
Stephanie: ahhhh
Buffy: What’s going on?
Stephanie: (moaning from the ground) ohhhh, Edward’s beautiful! His skin matches the color of my love! His chiseled perfection of incandescent waves harps doves singing!
Buffy: This Edward thing- can I kill it?
Xander: No!
looks horrified, clutches Edward shirt to chest.
Willow: He is a vampire
Buffy: Good, where is it?
Stephanie: No one can kill Edward! He is a radiant beam of sparklyness!
Buffy: What is she talking about?
Willow: Radiant beams of sparklyness? Maybe we’ll need these,
she pops out two pairs of sunglasses
Buffy: Great, let’s go.

Willow and Buffy go looking for Edward, and a reluctant Xander drags along after them. They look in trash cans, behind trees, in cars. They pass a house with a Swan on the mailbox, and sneak in, upstairs.
Edward is standing by Bella’s bed watching her sleeping. He is glittery even though it is nighttime and Buffy and Willow need the sunglasses.
Edward: Oh Bella, I want to eat you, no, no, I won't! Oh I want to eat you so bad.
Buffy shoots an arrow at him. Buffy: meant to miss
Willow: Get away from her
Edward: No, it’s not what you think.
Willow: We both heard you say you wanted to eat her
Edward: No, I’m a vegetarian
Willow: Why are you watching her sleep then?
Edward: I’m watching to make sure she doesn’t fall out of bed, she has tipsy topsy disease.
Xander: Oh yeah, I read about that. He’s right Buffy, no harm here, we should just leave, no, we shouldn’t leave, we should stay here and watch Edward watch Bella sleep.
Buffy gives him an incredulous look.
Xander: (crying) I’m a man, I have needs.
Buffy: Willow, get Xander out of here.
Willow gets Xander out of there.
Edward: You know, I should warn you, I’m very dangerous.
Buffy: Oh yeah, yeah, I know
They fight

Xander and Willow are outside.
Xander: But you can't kill Edward, he’s so hot, the world will become a cold place.
Willow: Edward’s not that hot.
Xander: Shhhh! He can hear you!
Willow: He’s all the way inside, how can he hear me?
Xander: (dreamily) Because he’s Edward.
Indeed at that very moment Edward does hear and becomes very distraught and distracted.
Edward: What, no, I AM hot,
he is so distracted he does not notice Buffy stake him.
As Edward is dying he chants, Edward: I am hot, I am, I am , I am,
until he is dust. Willow and Xander rush back in.
Bella wakes up, Bella: Edward?
Buffy: He’s gone.
Bella: Oh thank God, he was really creeping me out.
Stephanie flies in on her broomstick, Stephanie: Edward, Edward!
Willow: You’re too late, Edward is dead.
Xander: Shriek
Stephanie: Noo! Without Edward my books are nothing! Nothing! You have destroyed everything!
She points her wand at Buffy,
Stephanie: Herezy, therezy, by the power of wandzy,
Bella suddenly falls out of the bed due to her disease and lands on top of Stephanie Meyer squishing her to death.
Xander comes out of his trance, Xander: Who was hot, what? I don’t remember.
Spots Bella on the floor, Xander: heyyy, how you doing?
Bella smiles back,
Bella: hi


Later they all are walking around town, Xander and Bella holding hands.
Willow: So we have saved the world again, huh?
Buffy: Yeah what does that make- seven times?
Willow: I thought like nine.
Buffy: Yeah, I’d say the world owes us.
Xander: You know Buffy, before you managed to get Edward he did eat Riley.
Buffy and Willow both shrug, Buffy and Willow: mehhh
Xander: ahh man, I was stupid again wasn’t I?
Buffy and Willow have no comment
Xander: Why do I always have to be the stupid one? You know, who cares that Edward is so hot, it’s a book!
A random passerby hears him,
Random Person: You’re right, we should make it into a movie!
Runs off to make movie.
Buffy, Willow, Bella all stop and glare at Xander, Bella drops his hand.
Buffy: Nice going Xander!
Willow: What were you thinking?
Buffy: Or were you even thinking at all?
They all walk off, disgusted.
Xander is left standing alone, clutching his backpack to his chest, looking worried from side to side.
Xander: You don’t know that, maybe things will be different this time, you don’t know.

Buffy episode part 3

scene

Buffy is looking for riley with no luck.

Buffy: darn, I was so looking forward to killing him.

Willow still lies over the Buffybot crying. Dawn is still stuck on the floor crying for Buffy to save her even though she believes like Willow that Buffy is dead. Xander has fallen asleep in his basement and Cordelia is shopping. She buys some new hairgel.

Cordelia: Right, that's the last time I go to Buffy for help. I should have thought of this a long time ago. Shopping is the answer to all my problems.

Scene

The driver stops the bus.

riley gets up.

riley: home so soon! oh boy! I'm gonna go find Bessie!

the driver locks the doors.

Driver: looks like you're going to stay

riley: Overnight? Well okay, i'm used to sleeping on the floor. When I was little my parents locked me up in the cow barn, not just at night but all the time- that's where I met the love of my life. It was love at first sight- ya know how that is? I think she was as attracted to my odors as I was to hers. She didn't have to say anything- I could see it in her eyes. She'd get this look of pure horror and I think it was at the thought of losing me. That's the way I felt about her...

The bus driver morphes into the bus.

riley swivels around.

riley: hey! where'd you go? I was just getting to the good part. Whoa, that is great camouflage you got going on there, I myself, well I don't like to brag, actually, it's not that I don't like to, it's just that normally I don't have anything to about, but I myself, am a champion of the camouflage fashion. i'd really like to know where you bought that suit!

The bus crumples up into a mouth, the seats turning into teeth. riley keeps talking and doesn't notice. The bus folds over and chomps his still blabbing head off. Then it straightens out right again and spits him out- body and head.

Bus: Bleh! too much hairgel!

It turns back into bus and screeches away as fast as it can.

riley gets up and grabs his head and puts it back on his neck.

riley: Great now I only have two lives left. I must get to Bessie as soon as possible.

riley begins barn hopping. he goes up to every barn he comes across and opens the door and calls

riley: Bessie?

Naturally, about half the cows being named Bessie, he gets a lot of responses so he has to go up and inspect every single one. Finally he finds her. She is grazing in a cow pasture. he can tell it's her instantly by the scent. he gallops over to the pasture. It is early morning now.

riley: Bessie!!!!!

Her ears perk up and her eyes grow wide with fright that could be interpreted as the fear of losing riley, I guess, if you have a flat head.

riley: Bessie, at last, i've found you! How are you cow?

he hops over the fence and throws his arms around her neck.

riley: They sold you, but I found you! I will always find you!

Bessie: moo

riley: I knew you were going to say that!

Bessie steps on his head. It is already weak from the bus driver's mouth and just from being riley and it falls off easily. Bessie bolts off.

Bessie: moo, mo, moo, mooooo

translate: sorry boy you're not my species, almost, not quite

riley gets up in a scramble and finds his head.\

riley: okay- this is getting serious- I only have one more life left. i'll just lock myself up in this barn until I can figure out what to do.

scene

several days later

Buffy is sitting in Giles's apartment.

Buffy: I can't find him anywhere. I think he's split. But the slime's still there which means he's still alive somewhere- probably grossing people to death. I swear he was this close to offing me. I only survived cuz I'm the slayer. Some kind of super human gross tolerance.

Giles: Yes, well get the gang on it, with soap and brushes. With riley gone- he opposes no immediate threat.

Buffy: You're telling me. I had to date the guy to save the world.\

Giles: pardon?

Buffy: You know, so no one else would have to do it, one girl chosen in all the world to suffer blah, blah, blah.

Giles: oh, right.

Buffy: I'll get Spike to do it. He needs something to do besides be locked up all day in that crypt with Harmony, you just know he's doing something icky.

scene

Buffy barges into Spike's crypt. Where as most people would say hi Buffy instead punches him in the nose. She shoves a bottle of soap at him.

Buffy: You're going to clean up slime.

Spike: Oww. Oh am I now? Why is that?

Buffy: Because I say so and I'm Bossy the vampire slayer.

Spike: Well I'm not going to argue with that.

Buffy turns to leave but stops at the door.

Buffy: Say, you wouldn’t happen to have seen Dawn recently? I haven't seen her for awhile. I just realized that.

Spike: Maybe because I ate her.

Buffy rolls her eyes.

Buffy: yeah, whatever.

she leaves.

Spike: hey! I know where you live Slayer! I will know your blood, someday. I will know all your blood!

Blood starts dripping out of his nose where Buffy punched him. He licks it.

Spike: Mmm, that's not bad.

scene

riley has been sitting in the barn. Suddenly a strong wind begins to blow. riley is swept into a tornado. It travels across the country back to Sunnydale and deposits him at the feet of Principal Snyder.

PS: You didn't think you would get away with it did you? You can't blow off my detention young man, I've got the dark forces working for me now.

He locks riley up in a room with no walls, only a door that is locked. riley of course doesn't notice that there are no walls. he sits on the floor and finds a piece of glass. he picks up the piece of glass and can see his reflection in it.

riley: Well hello there. Boy you are an attractive specimen. I think you deserve a girl like Bessie.

PS: (calling from outside) no talking!

riley whispers

riley: my hair is my best feature. That and my impecible fashion sense of course. I may just be a fashion leader of tomorrow I think. I am just so ahead of the times here...ahhh!

riley feels a sharp jabbing pain in the side of his head. It stops when he shuts up so naturally he starts talking again.

riley: The army's very important. my mommy is professor walsh, she's like God, that makes me like....Jesus! I knew I was important! my friend is forrest but I think he's more of a bog person myself. i'm a rain forrest....ahhh!! I just start raining stick and never stop. ahhh!!!! but the army- now- we had cool cars. Oh those were the days, drinking cheese juice, ahh!!! fightin demons, ahhh!! i'm from Iowa, I like cows...ahhh!! Did Willow tell you I like cheese? ahhhh!! I like cheese, ahhh!! People say I look like a fish but I think I look more like my mother, ahhhh!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

he fall over never to rise again. he is last seen holding his head. According to Giles he last bored himself to death but perhaps we will never know for sure. 

The END

Buffy episode part 2

Scene 6

In Spike’s crypt Spike and Harmony are “playing” hide and seek. Harmony is hiding and she is winning. Spike is sitting in a chair reading the paper.

Harmony: (calling out) Spikey come find me.

Spike: Yeah, I’m looking.

Harmony: If you can’t find me in an hour do I win?

Spike: Oh sure, whatever you want sweet pea, and then perhaps we can play again and you can win again.

Hamrony: I’m getting bored.

Spike: Harm, shut up or the deal’s off.

Scene 7

Cordelia looking disheveled returns to the magic shop where Buffy, Giles, Anya and Dawn are studying.

Buffy: Willow says it was some kind of slime demon maybe or something.

Giles: (cleaning glasses) Yes, well Willow said that. Despite she would have no idea.

Buffy: (helpfully) it was slimy.

Cordelia: Buffy.

Buffy: Cordelia? What are you doing here?

Cordelia: Uh, I need your help.

At that moment Willow enters the shop

Willow: Oh Buffy, I thought you were with riley.

Buffy: why would I be with riley?

Willow: Oh well, I saw you earlier, remember, you said you were going over there.

Buffy: oh, well, yes. right. I was over there but I decided to come study on the you know, demon.

Willow: you didn’t kill him did you?

Buffy: who, the demon?

Willow: No, riley.

Buffy: oh. no. I wish.

Cordelia: Hello, problem here. ( to Willow) oh, it’s you.

Willow: That’s right, it’s me.

Cordelia: Having fun with your boyfriend stealing.

Willow: As a matter of fact I am, and maybe some girlfriend stealing too.

Cordelia: Girlfriend stealing?

Buffy: Hello Cords, What was your problem?

Cordelia: My shoes, my platforms. My like best pair, wait, did you just call me Cords?

Willow: Oh well, I think we have more important stuff to worry about than your fashion sense and all.

Cordelia: girlfriend stealing?

Willow: And you know, demons? Remember those?

Buffy: What do you want?

Cordelia: You didn’t let me finish. It was very gross. And my shoes are like stuck in some gross gunk all over my floor, and I couldn’t get them out, but I figured, Buffy, because you know, you’re like supergirl or whatever could come use her super strength and get them out! They’re my best pair.

Buffy: I don’t know if we’re… we’re kinda busy,

Cordelia: I cant lose anything else! I’m on a budget, I already lost my hair gel..

Anya: Did you try soap?

Cordelia: What!?

Anya: On the gunk. I found some in Xander’s room and I put some soap near by it. It seemed to repel it.

Buffy: There was a slime puddle? sticky?

Cordelia: Yes, I said that.

Buffy: The slime demon, It affected you too.

Cordelia: A slime demon? That does not sound good. Why do the grossest things always happen around you?

Giles: You can repel it by soap, well that’s interesting.

Dawn: Hmmm, whatever it is it must not shower too often.

Cordelia: Hello? More important problem here, My shoes, come help. And my bathroom is soapy okay? I keep it clean.

Buffy: Hairgel! That’s what the sticky slime smelt like. I knew I knew that smell.

Willow: Ooh and who wears a lot of hairgel?

Buffy: riley?

Willow: right.

Buffy: So the slime demon attacked riley?

Anya: We can hope.

Cordelia: the demon used my hairgel?

scene

Fish riley has morphed back to his much scarier form- human riley , and is walking around Sunnydale wearing his very chic camouflage vest.

riley: Now where’s my car? I’m not going to let a little death stand in the way of my favorite meal, cheesefast.

He looks around for his car but it has been flattened by the tractor.

riley: Wa! My car is flat! Wa! Wa!

he begins to oozeate, his body sheds sticky hair gel smelling slime all over the ground and his squished car.

riley: Where’s Spike? This is all his fault. Everything is his fault. I’m going to kill him cuz I’m in the army.

he starts walking, oozing all the way.

scene

In Spike's crypt

Harmony: ooh it’s been an hour, I win!

Spike: You’re right. I couldn’t find you.

Harmony: (coming behind him and throwing her arms around his neck) But I found you!

Spike: Right, shall we play again?

Harmony: okay! close you eyes, count to one hundred.

Spike: Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Harmony runs and hides behind the door but it suddenly bursts open and riley barges in.

Harmony: oh Spikey! you found me already! Did you cheat? now what'd you want to, (sees it's riley) ughhh!

Spike: (twirling around, standing up) Fishboy! Come for a visit eh? What's the matter, your robot dump you? She's a fickle one she is.

riley: (looking distraught) robot? uh I don't know what you're talking about.

Spike: Riight.

He turns around to face riley. At this point riley becomes so ashamed at his own fishy face that he dies of shame.

Spike: (looking very surprised) well, that was even easier than I was expecting shame, I was looking forward to good spot of violence before bedtime.

Harmony: Can I eat him?”

Spike: Fish boy? I wouldn't- his blood's too cheesy.

riley's body starts to rise. he sits up in a pile of his own slime in full fish form.

Spike: bloody hell.

Harmony: Euw! And I thought he was ugly before. And like oh my gosh he's still wearing that camo vest! Why? Why?

riley: i'm going to kill you now.

Harmony: What are you wearing? It smells like my hair products.

Spike: right, pretty, pretty fish boy.

Harmony: Euw! I didn't say he was pretty, cuz he is like so not.

riley: Didn't you hear me? I said i'm going to kill you now!

Harmony: Ooh Spikey, I'm so scared.

Spike: Oh I wish Buffy was here to help us!

They both burst out laughing.

riley lunges at Spike but misses and falls on the floor on his face.

riley: Wah! wah! I can't see!

Spike throws him into the wall and starts beating him in the face.

riley: wah, wah, wah! slurp, gurgle, slurp!

Spike picks up his fish body and kicks him into the wall. He is dead.

Spike: Ahh, well that was fun.

Harmony: Oh, not fair, you didn't let me have any.

riley's body starts to rise again.

Spike: Bloody hell, not again, I'm getting tired of killing you.

Harmony: Ooh can I kill him this time?

riley: i'd like to see you try.

Spike: Wouldn't we all?

One side of riley's head is flater than the other side, I mean even more so than usual.

Harmony walks over and grabs riley by his vest lapels and throws him into the wall.

riley charges at her and gives her a grand hit that barely grazes her shoulder. It does leave a sticky slime spot however.

Harmony screams and grabs a hunk of his hair. He shrieks and tries to bat her away with his outstretched hands.

riley: no, no no! not my hair! my beautiful hair! That's my best feature! I'm telling my mommy you were mean to me. We're in the army! We fight demons! You should all fear me!

Harmony: Oh yeah? Fight this!

She pulls his hair with all her Harmony vampire strength and pulls it off his head. It was a toupee all along.

riley: noooooooo!

the shock of losing his hair gives him a heart attack. He falls over dead. Harmony grabs him by the vest lapels and tosses him out the door. He bounces a couple times before he lands with a final thud. She grabs his hair and throws it out after him.

Spike: Nice work Harm.

Harmony: Yeah, well I've had a lot of practice.

She tries to wipe the hair off her hand but it is stuck there with strong glue like force.

Harmony: Oh my god!

Spike laughs.

Harmony: Spike this is like a total emergency! Get it off! Get it off!

scene

riley finds some glue in a garbage bin and glues his torn off hair to his head, he whimpers.

riley: sniff, they were mean to me, sniff sniff. Mommy? sniff, she’s gone. Bessie, sniff, she’s gone too. Buffy? I’ll find Buffy.

he begins walking towards the direction of Buffy’s old high school, on top of the hell mouth. Of course it’s not there, it was blown up with the mayor when he was a giant snake.

riley reaches the sight.

riley: Buffy! buffy! I’m hungry! make me some cheese. oh right, you’re not a cow. That was Bessie! Bessie, (he hits himself in his flathead.) Not Buffy, Bessie, BUFFY!

A ghost comes up behind him, it is Principal Snyder.

P S: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, so not the first thing you want to hear after you’ve been dead for a couple years.

riley turns around

riley: aah! (he jumps backward in fright.) Buffy?

PS: Yes, I’ve heard just about enough. (he takes riley’s arm) You’re coming to my office young man. I will not have this on my campus. This is a place of order, not some yelling place.

scene

The gang is going around all the usual hangouts armed with deadly bottles of soap. Buffy is distributing them.

Buffy: Xander, you guard your place, it showed up there right? Anya, you guard the magic shop, and Willow, you and Dawn take the University. Cordelia, I’m going to need you to take the dump.

Cordelia: Uh, why me,

Buffy: Do you want your hair gel back? Then do what I say.

Cordelia: ( muttering) I was never that bossy, but no, they all hated me.

Giles: Um Buffy, there was also a report of a sticky substance- the slime demon sort- at the Sunnydale Grocery, almost exclusively in the cheese aisle, people were stuck solid.

Buffy: cheese?... riley!

Giles: I beg your pardon?

Buffy: nothing, I gotta go find riley. You guys go guard. If you see the demon- spray it. Try to tie it up with something.

she runs off in the direction of the University campus. Buffy enters riley’s room, Forrest is lying dead, broken in half on the floor. The window is open and there is sticky sludge everywhere. Buffy gets caught in a bunch and wrestles free only by Slayer strength. She turns around to leave.

Scene

Principal Snyder grabs hold of riley's ear and drags him to his exploded office.

PS: what is this? I will not have this. You're on my campus buddy, you follow my rules.

riley: (fidgeting under grasp) Sir, please don't hurt my hair sir.

PS: you and that Buffy (grimaces at the name) are expelled. ooh pleasure moment, warm tingling sensation. These are the moments you treasure. It's not every day you get to expell Buffy Summers- no. It's a strictly once a year opportunity. I think I'll write a poem about it!

riley: I don't go here. I go to college where i'm in the army. You can't expel me.

PS: don't argue with me young man. (he twists his hair, riley shrieks) I'll give you a detention so fast it'll make your head spin, or in your case, tail. Now get out of my office.

He tries to push him out but his ear and hair are stuck to his hand.

PS: I said get out! This is my campus buddy and when I say I want you out I mean out.

riley is still stuck.

PS: That's it, I'm writing you a detention!

he pulls a detention slip out of his pocket and starts writing. He tosses it at riley but riley is still stuck to his hand.

PS: you're a slime demon aren't you?

He grabs a bar of soap out of his other pocket and sticks it in riley's mouth.

riley sputters and foams at the mouth. he falls dead on the ground of Snyder's charred office. Snyder picks him up and tosses him out.

PS: and don't forget your detention form! ( he tosses it out after him) Don't think you can blow off my detention young man. I expect you to be there rain or shine, dead or alive. This is my campus buddy and when I say detention, I mean detention.

scene

Buffy barges into Spike's crypt.

Buffy: where's riley?

Spike: God, why have you come back to torture me with that insipid name! I told you I don't give a beep*

Buffy punches him in the face.

Buffy: This is serious.

Spike: Ohhhh, it's you.

Buffy: of course it's me. I don't time to play your stupid games right now.

Spike: You know if I had a choice between you and the robot I think I'd choose the robot.

Buffy: you're disgusting.

Spike: Yeah, I am, I'm a disgusting monster. But at least I'm not shagging riley. The thought of that makes me want to heave.

Buffy: Euw gross Spike! I don't shag riley. Your buffybot? I programmed her to like him so I wouldn't have to.

Spike: You! I should've known it was you! Been nearly a day since you ruined my life last.

Buffy: Well at least I give you a whole day, that's more than you give me! Anyway, you don't have a life.

Spike: Like you're any better? Going out of your mind looking for your boyfriend, I'd rather be dead.

Buffy: You are dead. That's what I meant. And as I already told you I don't love riley- I want to find him so I can kill him.

Harmony lifts up the coffin lid she has been hiding under.

Harmony: Oh my god it's like the real Buffy! oh my god!

She slams the lid back down over her head again.

Buffy raises an eyebrow in surprise.

Spike: kill him do you?

Buffy: (annoyed) Ye-es!

Spike: I killed him already, twice, Harmony once. Swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

Buffy( looking really ticked): Could you have possibly told me that when I first walked in here?

Were you born this annoying or is it some kind of vampire thing?

Spike: What can I say babe? I've always been bad? Wanna see?

Buffy: And to that an extreme see you later.

She storms out, breaking the door off the hinges.

Harmony climbs out of the coffin.

Harmony: What did she say about me!

 

scene

Buffy is talking to Giles on the phone.

Buffy: I have no idea where riley is. he's the slime demon though for sure. Spike said he killed him- three times. I know that the slime demon is a cat fish right? So I'm thinking that they have nine lives. I'll just have to track him down and kill him a couple more times. Should be a party. Bring popcorn. Not the cheesy kind.

scene

Willow and Dawn reach the university.

Dawn: ooh massive stickage.

Willow: where?

Dawn: Oh I'm just guessing. (she points to camo dorm) there.

Willow: oh (gulps) I guess we should go there.

Dawn runs off in the direction of the room.

Willow: Dawny wait! You need soap! It's not safe!

Dawn runs on anyway into the dorm. Willow runs after her and trips over a body. She falls and gets a look at the body. It looks like Buffy.

Willow: Buffy! Oh my god! Buffy! No! No! Buffy!

She sits and mourns meanwhile Dawn enters the room. Dawn walks towards the center of the room looking around obliviously in wonder at the camoflage. She trips over forrest's body. And falls in some stick on the floor.

Dawn: Oh my god Buffy! BUFFY!

scene

riley gets up and treks to the bus station.

riley: i'm going home to Iowa. They have good cheese there. And they don't try to kill me- except for that one time...

The bus is called the Preyhound but as riley can't read he doesn't notice. he wonders why he is the only passenger but then that is usually the case with him. People normally smell him and run the other way.

riley tries to give the bus driver a penny but he shakes his head.

driver: this ride's free sonny!

riley's eyes bulge.

riley: oh goody! I can use this money to buy my girlfriend a gift. i'm going to get her a new cow bell! ( he whimpers), if I can find her! Oh Bessie! i'll find you!

driver: sit down sonny we're moving.

riley: oh, sorry.

riley sits. he likes to watch the farms as they roll past and look at all the cheesestalks and pretty young cows. They drive for hours and it turns dark. riley spies a particularly pretty cow. he stands up and hits his head on the hand rail.

riley: ooh is she single? 

Come back tomorrow for part 3!

 

Buffy episode

I wrote this ten years ago, eek! I really, really, really didn't like Buffy's boyfriend riley and refused to capitalize his name and also pondered whether he was in fact really a giant fish with a cow fetish.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The Fish Goes Squish
by Emily age 16

characters by Joss Whedon, not by me, I do not own them

    A mysterious force has been terrorizing, okay more like annoying, Sunnydale leaving everywhere it wreaks a slimey trail of supergoo that smells surprisingly like hair gel.
   

    Scene 1
    riley is sitting in Buffy’s room, weeping loudly.
   
riley: I just don’t understand it, why? why? Why did she hafta go? I just can’t believe it,     she was my everything. My…my beautiful, I cant believe she’s gone.

    he looks down at the floor and pounds his fist into the ground and wails
riley: Why grampa? why? Why did you have to sell Bessie? She was my favorite cow.     She gave me cheese, she only stepped on my head once. Okay, twice, but I’m     pretty sure it was an accident the first time!

Buffy: snore,zzzz, snore

    riley gets up in anger and clenches his hands into fists. He puts on his best pout face.
riley: Buffy! Do I bore you?
Buffy: (still asleep) uh huh
riley: So that’s how it is then. I’ve been pouring out my heart and soul to you. You don’t     love me, you never care about me, oh I miss my mommy. I was in the army, I     fought scary demons. I risk my neck everyday for you and you just…you just     don’t care what I have to say, Bessie was my only true love, she listened to me.
Buffy: snore, zzz

In a fit of anger riley jumps on the bed and starts attacking Buffy with his balled up fists. It takes her a couple minutes to wake up.

Buffy: riley, (she grabs his fist in her hand) that’s it, I’m going to tranquilize you.
riley, as if coming out of trance: oh Buffy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.
Buffy: you didn’t.
    She stands up and goes over to her dresser and grabs the tranquilizer dart.
riley: I just get so carried away when I think about my Bessie. Have you ever loved a     cow?
    Buffy stabs him in the arm with the dart.
riley: I like cheese.
    he falls asleep. Buffy sighs in relief.

Meanwhile we fade away to Cordelia’s apartment in LA. She is standing in front of the mirror in her bathroom, she opens the cabinet and screams.
Cordelia: Ahhhhhh! Euwwwwwww! Ohmygod what happened to my hair gel?
She turns to go look for it but is stuck to the floor. She tries to lift her right foot in vain, then her left. Her feet come out of the shoes and she falls backward against the wall.

Cordelia: As if I would leave my shoes.
    She gets a spatula from the kitchen and tries scraping them out of the gunk. The spatula breaks in her hands. She stares at it in horror.

Scene 3
Buffy is patrolling in the woods with Willow
Buffy: so there was this slimy, sticky stuff, all over my floor, and on my bed, it was     covered.
Willow: Maybe it was a slime demon.
Buffy: It smelled like something, something familiar.
Willow: You want me to do a memory spell for your smell? ha ha smell spell.
Buffy: I can’t quite put my finger on it. But it’s defiantly something I should know.

A vampire jumps out from behind a gravestone; Buffy stakes it through the heart while they are walking.

Buffy: it was disturbing (she looks down at her stake, Mr. Pointy) it was disturbing that it     knows where I live and it could keep terrorizing me. And others, not riley, but     people I care about.
Willow: riley still being a doof?
Buffy: riley is a doof Will, That’s just what he is. It’s not like he can stop being one.
Willow: We should talk to Giles. Maybe he knows how to kill it.
Buffy: Yeah. I know riley’s human and all but maybe Giles can find some way around     the no killing humans rule.
Willow: I was talking about the slime demon.
Buffy: Oh, I thought you meant the big bad.

Scene 4
In Spike’s crypt. There is Spike, Harmony and the Buffybot

Buffybot: where is riley? I must find riley. I love riley. I must find him. Right now. Get     out of my way please.
Spike: Bloody hell, someone’s been messing with my robot.
Harmony: you love that robot more than me.
Spike:     Well, yeah.
Buffybot: Have you seen riley?
Harmony: Go have your stupid riley, have your stupid riley and get out! You cant have my spikey.
Buffybot: I must find riley. Goodbye.
Spike: You’re not going anywhere.
(he grabs her wrist)
Buffybot: (throws him off) You are evil. riley fights evil. I must find riley. I love riley.
she leaves
Spike: yelling after her. Wait, come back. You love me. I programmed you. You love me!
Harmony: (coming over to him) Whore. (rests her head on his shoulder) I wonder if I could have bitten her. Mmm slayer bits.
Spike: She’s a robot you blit. They don’t have blood or bits. Anyway I tried it. Now she left me just like real life. fishboy!
Harmony: Oh Spikey you can bite me!
Spike: Urrr

Scene 5
The Buffybot makes its way across town to riley’s dorm at Sunnydale University. Along the way she meets Willow.

Buffybot: Have you seen riley?
Willow: riley? He’s probably in his dorm. You know, camouflage wallpaper and whatnot.
Buffybot: Thank you. You are my friend. I must find riley.
Willow: (nervously) Yeah uh, Buffy, um maybe we should wait to talk to Giles before we do anything too drastic and stuff.
Buffybot: Giles is my watcher.
Willow: He is. And as a watcher he is supposed to watch and make sure you don’t do anything bad like killing humans and stuff.
Buffybot: You have red hair. I can tell because I have eyes.
Willow: Just don’t kill riley, okay? I know he’s annoying and not for him, but for you.
Buffybot: I’m not going to kill riley, I’m going to love him.
Willow: oh? really. well. you, um do that. I have to get to class. I’ll see you later. bye.
(she runs off).
Buffybot: Bye.
she continues walking, now to the ugly camouflage dorm room where riley habitats.  She knocks on the door. riley open it.
riley: (surprised) oh Buffy, hi. Come in.
Buffybot enters the room. It is completely camouflaged, the bed, the curtains, the wallpaper, Forrest- riley’s roommate is wearing camouflage pajamas and sitting on one of the camouflage beds.
riley: Thanks for coming Buffy. I’m sorry for what happened earlier with…Bessie. Don’t think I love her more than you…I don’t. I love you equally.
Buffybot: I love you too riley.
riley: what, you…you do?
Buffybot: You’re my boyfriend.
riley: I am.
Buffybot: You like cheese.
riley: (delighted) Why yes! Yes I do! I’m glad you finally understand!
Buffybot: I’m gonna love you.
Forrest gets up and goes over to the door. He glares at the Buffybot.
Forrest: You kids make me sick! (he leaves and slams the door)
Buffybot: let’s love each other riley.
riley: oh jeez, sorry Buffy. Did we have plans? I have to go driving.
Buffybot: In a car?
riley: Yeah, I like four wheeling. Maybe go to the cheese store, get some cheese.
Buffybot: You’re leaving me?
(her computer screen flashes up, a little bulls-eye: riley finn, boyfriend, love. at the bottom, in red, boxed, capital letters: REJECTION)
Buffybot: Grr. (she steps forward menacingly.)
riley backs away frightened.
riley: you understand. I like cheese.
Buffybot: you like cheese more than me?
riley: Well…yeah. I love cheese.
Buffybot: grr.
she grabs riley by the collar of his ugly camo vest and throws him out the window. He lands on the ground, he is dead. Forrest comes back into the room.
Forrest: What? you think I would just leave and let my friend waste away his life on you? Real friends don’t do that. You know, riley had a future, he had a career till he met you and yeah I got a problem with that. If you wanna get to riley you gotta go through me.
he steps in front of the window. Buffybot steps towards him.
Forrest: (backing up) Um…say…where is riley anyway?
Buffybot: Bored now.
she picks up Forrest and breaks him in half, she leaves.
Back outside to riley’s dead body. It is arising.
riley: You think that’s enough to get me? You thought I was just a fish but I’m actually a cat fish, bahahahaha, Cat fish have nine lives! I have eight more. It won't be this easy next time!
A tractor runs over him.
riley gets up again and morphs into full fish form.
riley: ok, 7. Now for some cheese.
behind him there is a small sticky puddle of hairgel smelling slime.




TO BE CONTINUED...