Buffy episode part 3

scene

Buffy is looking for riley with no luck.

Buffy: darn, I was so looking forward to killing him.

Willow still lies over the Buffybot crying. Dawn is still stuck on the floor crying for Buffy to save her even though she believes like Willow that Buffy is dead. Xander has fallen asleep in his basement and Cordelia is shopping. She buys some new hairgel.

Cordelia: Right, that's the last time I go to Buffy for help. I should have thought of this a long time ago. Shopping is the answer to all my problems.

Scene

The driver stops the bus.

riley gets up.

riley: home so soon! oh boy! I'm gonna go find Bessie!

the driver locks the doors.

Driver: looks like you're going to stay

riley: Overnight? Well okay, i'm used to sleeping on the floor. When I was little my parents locked me up in the cow barn, not just at night but all the time- that's where I met the love of my life. It was love at first sight- ya know how that is? I think she was as attracted to my odors as I was to hers. She didn't have to say anything- I could see it in her eyes. She'd get this look of pure horror and I think it was at the thought of losing me. That's the way I felt about her...

The bus driver morphes into the bus.

riley swivels around.

riley: hey! where'd you go? I was just getting to the good part. Whoa, that is great camouflage you got going on there, I myself, well I don't like to brag, actually, it's not that I don't like to, it's just that normally I don't have anything to about, but I myself, am a champion of the camouflage fashion. i'd really like to know where you bought that suit!

The bus crumples up into a mouth, the seats turning into teeth. riley keeps talking and doesn't notice. The bus folds over and chomps his still blabbing head off. Then it straightens out right again and spits him out- body and head.

Bus: Bleh! too much hairgel!

It turns back into bus and screeches away as fast as it can.

riley gets up and grabs his head and puts it back on his neck.

riley: Great now I only have two lives left. I must get to Bessie as soon as possible.

riley begins barn hopping. he goes up to every barn he comes across and opens the door and calls

riley: Bessie?

Naturally, about half the cows being named Bessie, he gets a lot of responses so he has to go up and inspect every single one. Finally he finds her. She is grazing in a cow pasture. he can tell it's her instantly by the scent. he gallops over to the pasture. It is early morning now.

riley: Bessie!!!!!

Her ears perk up and her eyes grow wide with fright that could be interpreted as the fear of losing riley, I guess, if you have a flat head.

riley: Bessie, at last, i've found you! How are you cow?

he hops over the fence and throws his arms around her neck.

riley: They sold you, but I found you! I will always find you!

Bessie: moo

riley: I knew you were going to say that!

Bessie steps on his head. It is already weak from the bus driver's mouth and just from being riley and it falls off easily. Bessie bolts off.

Bessie: moo, mo, moo, mooooo

translate: sorry boy you're not my species, almost, not quite

riley gets up in a scramble and finds his head.\

riley: okay- this is getting serious- I only have one more life left. i'll just lock myself up in this barn until I can figure out what to do.

scene

several days later

Buffy is sitting in Giles's apartment.

Buffy: I can't find him anywhere. I think he's split. But the slime's still there which means he's still alive somewhere- probably grossing people to death. I swear he was this close to offing me. I only survived cuz I'm the slayer. Some kind of super human gross tolerance.

Giles: Yes, well get the gang on it, with soap and brushes. With riley gone- he opposes no immediate threat.

Buffy: You're telling me. I had to date the guy to save the world.\

Giles: pardon?

Buffy: You know, so no one else would have to do it, one girl chosen in all the world to suffer blah, blah, blah.

Giles: oh, right.

Buffy: I'll get Spike to do it. He needs something to do besides be locked up all day in that crypt with Harmony, you just know he's doing something icky.

scene

Buffy barges into Spike's crypt. Where as most people would say hi Buffy instead punches him in the nose. She shoves a bottle of soap at him.

Buffy: You're going to clean up slime.

Spike: Oww. Oh am I now? Why is that?

Buffy: Because I say so and I'm Bossy the vampire slayer.

Spike: Well I'm not going to argue with that.

Buffy turns to leave but stops at the door.

Buffy: Say, you wouldn’t happen to have seen Dawn recently? I haven't seen her for awhile. I just realized that.

Spike: Maybe because I ate her.

Buffy rolls her eyes.

Buffy: yeah, whatever.

she leaves.

Spike: hey! I know where you live Slayer! I will know your blood, someday. I will know all your blood!

Blood starts dripping out of his nose where Buffy punched him. He licks it.

Spike: Mmm, that's not bad.

scene

riley has been sitting in the barn. Suddenly a strong wind begins to blow. riley is swept into a tornado. It travels across the country back to Sunnydale and deposits him at the feet of Principal Snyder.

PS: You didn't think you would get away with it did you? You can't blow off my detention young man, I've got the dark forces working for me now.

He locks riley up in a room with no walls, only a door that is locked. riley of course doesn't notice that there are no walls. he sits on the floor and finds a piece of glass. he picks up the piece of glass and can see his reflection in it.

riley: Well hello there. Boy you are an attractive specimen. I think you deserve a girl like Bessie.

PS: (calling from outside) no talking!

riley whispers

riley: my hair is my best feature. That and my impecible fashion sense of course. I may just be a fashion leader of tomorrow I think. I am just so ahead of the times here...ahhh!

riley feels a sharp jabbing pain in the side of his head. It stops when he shuts up so naturally he starts talking again.

riley: The army's very important. my mommy is professor walsh, she's like God, that makes me like....Jesus! I knew I was important! my friend is forrest but I think he's more of a bog person myself. i'm a rain forrest....ahhh!! I just start raining stick and never stop. ahhh!!!! but the army- now- we had cool cars. Oh those were the days, drinking cheese juice, ahh!!! fightin demons, ahhh!! i'm from Iowa, I like cows...ahhh!! Did Willow tell you I like cheese? ahhhh!! I like cheese, ahhh!! People say I look like a fish but I think I look more like my mother, ahhhh!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

he fall over never to rise again. he is last seen holding his head. According to Giles he last bored himself to death but perhaps we will never know for sure. 

The END