Buffy episode part 2

Scene 6

In Spike’s crypt Spike and Harmony are “playing” hide and seek. Harmony is hiding and she is winning. Spike is sitting in a chair reading the paper.

Harmony: (calling out) Spikey come find me.

Spike: Yeah, I’m looking.

Harmony: If you can’t find me in an hour do I win?

Spike: Oh sure, whatever you want sweet pea, and then perhaps we can play again and you can win again.

Hamrony: I’m getting bored.

Spike: Harm, shut up or the deal’s off.

Scene 7

Cordelia looking disheveled returns to the magic shop where Buffy, Giles, Anya and Dawn are studying.

Buffy: Willow says it was some kind of slime demon maybe or something.

Giles: (cleaning glasses) Yes, well Willow said that. Despite she would have no idea.

Buffy: (helpfully) it was slimy.

Cordelia: Buffy.

Buffy: Cordelia? What are you doing here?

Cordelia: Uh, I need your help.

At that moment Willow enters the shop

Willow: Oh Buffy, I thought you were with riley.

Buffy: why would I be with riley?

Willow: Oh well, I saw you earlier, remember, you said you were going over there.

Buffy: oh, well, yes. right. I was over there but I decided to come study on the you know, demon.

Willow: you didn’t kill him did you?

Buffy: who, the demon?

Willow: No, riley.

Buffy: oh. no. I wish.

Cordelia: Hello, problem here. ( to Willow) oh, it’s you.

Willow: That’s right, it’s me.

Cordelia: Having fun with your boyfriend stealing.

Willow: As a matter of fact I am, and maybe some girlfriend stealing too.

Cordelia: Girlfriend stealing?

Buffy: Hello Cords, What was your problem?

Cordelia: My shoes, my platforms. My like best pair, wait, did you just call me Cords?

Willow: Oh well, I think we have more important stuff to worry about than your fashion sense and all.

Cordelia: girlfriend stealing?

Willow: And you know, demons? Remember those?

Buffy: What do you want?

Cordelia: You didn’t let me finish. It was very gross. And my shoes are like stuck in some gross gunk all over my floor, and I couldn’t get them out, but I figured, Buffy, because you know, you’re like supergirl or whatever could come use her super strength and get them out! They’re my best pair.

Buffy: I don’t know if we’re… we’re kinda busy,

Cordelia: I cant lose anything else! I’m on a budget, I already lost my hair gel..

Anya: Did you try soap?

Cordelia: What!?

Anya: On the gunk. I found some in Xander’s room and I put some soap near by it. It seemed to repel it.

Buffy: There was a slime puddle? sticky?

Cordelia: Yes, I said that.

Buffy: The slime demon, It affected you too.

Cordelia: A slime demon? That does not sound good. Why do the grossest things always happen around you?

Giles: You can repel it by soap, well that’s interesting.

Dawn: Hmmm, whatever it is it must not shower too often.

Cordelia: Hello? More important problem here, My shoes, come help. And my bathroom is soapy okay? I keep it clean.

Buffy: Hairgel! That’s what the sticky slime smelt like. I knew I knew that smell.

Willow: Ooh and who wears a lot of hairgel?

Buffy: riley?

Willow: right.

Buffy: So the slime demon attacked riley?

Anya: We can hope.

Cordelia: the demon used my hairgel?

scene

Fish riley has morphed back to his much scarier form- human riley , and is walking around Sunnydale wearing his very chic camouflage vest.

riley: Now where’s my car? I’m not going to let a little death stand in the way of my favorite meal, cheesefast.

He looks around for his car but it has been flattened by the tractor.

riley: Wa! My car is flat! Wa! Wa!

he begins to oozeate, his body sheds sticky hair gel smelling slime all over the ground and his squished car.

riley: Where’s Spike? This is all his fault. Everything is his fault. I’m going to kill him cuz I’m in the army.

he starts walking, oozing all the way.

scene

In Spike's crypt

Harmony: ooh it’s been an hour, I win!

Spike: You’re right. I couldn’t find you.

Harmony: (coming behind him and throwing her arms around his neck) But I found you!

Spike: Right, shall we play again?

Harmony: okay! close you eyes, count to one hundred.

Spike: Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Harmony runs and hides behind the door but it suddenly bursts open and riley barges in.

Harmony: oh Spikey! you found me already! Did you cheat? now what'd you want to, (sees it's riley) ughhh!

Spike: (twirling around, standing up) Fishboy! Come for a visit eh? What's the matter, your robot dump you? She's a fickle one she is.

riley: (looking distraught) robot? uh I don't know what you're talking about.

Spike: Riight.

He turns around to face riley. At this point riley becomes so ashamed at his own fishy face that he dies of shame.

Spike: (looking very surprised) well, that was even easier than I was expecting shame, I was looking forward to good spot of violence before bedtime.

Harmony: Can I eat him?”

Spike: Fish boy? I wouldn't- his blood's too cheesy.

riley's body starts to rise. he sits up in a pile of his own slime in full fish form.

Spike: bloody hell.

Harmony: Euw! And I thought he was ugly before. And like oh my gosh he's still wearing that camo vest! Why? Why?

riley: i'm going to kill you now.

Harmony: What are you wearing? It smells like my hair products.

Spike: right, pretty, pretty fish boy.

Harmony: Euw! I didn't say he was pretty, cuz he is like so not.

riley: Didn't you hear me? I said i'm going to kill you now!

Harmony: Ooh Spikey, I'm so scared.

Spike: Oh I wish Buffy was here to help us!

They both burst out laughing.

riley lunges at Spike but misses and falls on the floor on his face.

riley: Wah! wah! I can't see!

Spike throws him into the wall and starts beating him in the face.

riley: wah, wah, wah! slurp, gurgle, slurp!

Spike picks up his fish body and kicks him into the wall. He is dead.

Spike: Ahh, well that was fun.

Harmony: Oh, not fair, you didn't let me have any.

riley's body starts to rise again.

Spike: Bloody hell, not again, I'm getting tired of killing you.

Harmony: Ooh can I kill him this time?

riley: i'd like to see you try.

Spike: Wouldn't we all?

One side of riley's head is flater than the other side, I mean even more so than usual.

Harmony walks over and grabs riley by his vest lapels and throws him into the wall.

riley charges at her and gives her a grand hit that barely grazes her shoulder. It does leave a sticky slime spot however.

Harmony screams and grabs a hunk of his hair. He shrieks and tries to bat her away with his outstretched hands.

riley: no, no no! not my hair! my beautiful hair! That's my best feature! I'm telling my mommy you were mean to me. We're in the army! We fight demons! You should all fear me!

Harmony: Oh yeah? Fight this!

She pulls his hair with all her Harmony vampire strength and pulls it off his head. It was a toupee all along.

riley: noooooooo!

the shock of losing his hair gives him a heart attack. He falls over dead. Harmony grabs him by the vest lapels and tosses him out the door. He bounces a couple times before he lands with a final thud. She grabs his hair and throws it out after him.

Spike: Nice work Harm.

Harmony: Yeah, well I've had a lot of practice.

She tries to wipe the hair off her hand but it is stuck there with strong glue like force.

Harmony: Oh my god!

Spike laughs.

Harmony: Spike this is like a total emergency! Get it off! Get it off!

scene

riley finds some glue in a garbage bin and glues his torn off hair to his head, he whimpers.

riley: sniff, they were mean to me, sniff sniff. Mommy? sniff, she’s gone. Bessie, sniff, she’s gone too. Buffy? I’ll find Buffy.

he begins walking towards the direction of Buffy’s old high school, on top of the hell mouth. Of course it’s not there, it was blown up with the mayor when he was a giant snake.

riley reaches the sight.

riley: Buffy! buffy! I’m hungry! make me some cheese. oh right, you’re not a cow. That was Bessie! Bessie, (he hits himself in his flathead.) Not Buffy, Bessie, BUFFY!

A ghost comes up behind him, it is Principal Snyder.

P S: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, so not the first thing you want to hear after you’ve been dead for a couple years.

riley turns around

riley: aah! (he jumps backward in fright.) Buffy?

PS: Yes, I’ve heard just about enough. (he takes riley’s arm) You’re coming to my office young man. I will not have this on my campus. This is a place of order, not some yelling place.

scene

The gang is going around all the usual hangouts armed with deadly bottles of soap. Buffy is distributing them.

Buffy: Xander, you guard your place, it showed up there right? Anya, you guard the magic shop, and Willow, you and Dawn take the University. Cordelia, I’m going to need you to take the dump.

Cordelia: Uh, why me,

Buffy: Do you want your hair gel back? Then do what I say.

Cordelia: ( muttering) I was never that bossy, but no, they all hated me.

Giles: Um Buffy, there was also a report of a sticky substance- the slime demon sort- at the Sunnydale Grocery, almost exclusively in the cheese aisle, people were stuck solid.

Buffy: cheese?... riley!

Giles: I beg your pardon?

Buffy: nothing, I gotta go find riley. You guys go guard. If you see the demon- spray it. Try to tie it up with something.

she runs off in the direction of the University campus. Buffy enters riley’s room, Forrest is lying dead, broken in half on the floor. The window is open and there is sticky sludge everywhere. Buffy gets caught in a bunch and wrestles free only by Slayer strength. She turns around to leave.

Scene

Principal Snyder grabs hold of riley's ear and drags him to his exploded office.

PS: what is this? I will not have this. You're on my campus buddy, you follow my rules.

riley: (fidgeting under grasp) Sir, please don't hurt my hair sir.

PS: you and that Buffy (grimaces at the name) are expelled. ooh pleasure moment, warm tingling sensation. These are the moments you treasure. It's not every day you get to expell Buffy Summers- no. It's a strictly once a year opportunity. I think I'll write a poem about it!

riley: I don't go here. I go to college where i'm in the army. You can't expel me.

PS: don't argue with me young man. (he twists his hair, riley shrieks) I'll give you a detention so fast it'll make your head spin, or in your case, tail. Now get out of my office.

He tries to push him out but his ear and hair are stuck to his hand.

PS: I said get out! This is my campus buddy and when I say I want you out I mean out.

riley is still stuck.

PS: That's it, I'm writing you a detention!

he pulls a detention slip out of his pocket and starts writing. He tosses it at riley but riley is still stuck to his hand.

PS: you're a slime demon aren't you?

He grabs a bar of soap out of his other pocket and sticks it in riley's mouth.

riley sputters and foams at the mouth. he falls dead on the ground of Snyder's charred office. Snyder picks him up and tosses him out.

PS: and don't forget your detention form! ( he tosses it out after him) Don't think you can blow off my detention young man. I expect you to be there rain or shine, dead or alive. This is my campus buddy and when I say detention, I mean detention.

scene

Buffy barges into Spike's crypt.

Buffy: where's riley?

Spike: God, why have you come back to torture me with that insipid name! I told you I don't give a beep*

Buffy punches him in the face.

Buffy: This is serious.

Spike: Ohhhh, it's you.

Buffy: of course it's me. I don't time to play your stupid games right now.

Spike: You know if I had a choice between you and the robot I think I'd choose the robot.

Buffy: you're disgusting.

Spike: Yeah, I am, I'm a disgusting monster. But at least I'm not shagging riley. The thought of that makes me want to heave.

Buffy: Euw gross Spike! I don't shag riley. Your buffybot? I programmed her to like him so I wouldn't have to.

Spike: You! I should've known it was you! Been nearly a day since you ruined my life last.

Buffy: Well at least I give you a whole day, that's more than you give me! Anyway, you don't have a life.

Spike: Like you're any better? Going out of your mind looking for your boyfriend, I'd rather be dead.

Buffy: You are dead. That's what I meant. And as I already told you I don't love riley- I want to find him so I can kill him.

Harmony lifts up the coffin lid she has been hiding under.

Harmony: Oh my god it's like the real Buffy! oh my god!

She slams the lid back down over her head again.

Buffy raises an eyebrow in surprise.

Spike: kill him do you?

Buffy: (annoyed) Ye-es!

Spike: I killed him already, twice, Harmony once. Swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

Buffy( looking really ticked): Could you have possibly told me that when I first walked in here?

Were you born this annoying or is it some kind of vampire thing?

Spike: What can I say babe? I've always been bad? Wanna see?

Buffy: And to that an extreme see you later.

She storms out, breaking the door off the hinges.

Harmony climbs out of the coffin.

Harmony: What did she say about me!

 

scene

Buffy is talking to Giles on the phone.

Buffy: I have no idea where riley is. he's the slime demon though for sure. Spike said he killed him- three times. I know that the slime demon is a cat fish right? So I'm thinking that they have nine lives. I'll just have to track him down and kill him a couple more times. Should be a party. Bring popcorn. Not the cheesy kind.

scene

Willow and Dawn reach the university.

Dawn: ooh massive stickage.

Willow: where?

Dawn: Oh I'm just guessing. (she points to camo dorm) there.

Willow: oh (gulps) I guess we should go there.

Dawn runs off in the direction of the room.

Willow: Dawny wait! You need soap! It's not safe!

Dawn runs on anyway into the dorm. Willow runs after her and trips over a body. She falls and gets a look at the body. It looks like Buffy.

Willow: Buffy! Oh my god! Buffy! No! No! Buffy!

She sits and mourns meanwhile Dawn enters the room. Dawn walks towards the center of the room looking around obliviously in wonder at the camoflage. She trips over forrest's body. And falls in some stick on the floor.

Dawn: Oh my god Buffy! BUFFY!

scene

riley gets up and treks to the bus station.

riley: i'm going home to Iowa. They have good cheese there. And they don't try to kill me- except for that one time...

The bus is called the Preyhound but as riley can't read he doesn't notice. he wonders why he is the only passenger but then that is usually the case with him. People normally smell him and run the other way.

riley tries to give the bus driver a penny but he shakes his head.

driver: this ride's free sonny!

riley's eyes bulge.

riley: oh goody! I can use this money to buy my girlfriend a gift. i'm going to get her a new cow bell! ( he whimpers), if I can find her! Oh Bessie! i'll find you!

driver: sit down sonny we're moving.

riley: oh, sorry.

riley sits. he likes to watch the farms as they roll past and look at all the cheesestalks and pretty young cows. They drive for hours and it turns dark. riley spies a particularly pretty cow. he stands up and hits his head on the hand rail.

riley: ooh is she single? 

Come back tomorrow for part 3!