I wrote this ten years ago, eek! I really, really, really didn't like Buffy's boyfriend riley and refused to capitalize his name and also pondered whether he was in fact really a giant fish with a cow fetish.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The Fish Goes Squish
by Emily age 16
characters by Joss Whedon, not by me, I do not own them
A mysterious force has been terrorizing, okay more like annoying, Sunnydale leaving everywhere it wreaks a slimey trail of supergoo that smells surprisingly like hair gel.
Scene 1
riley is sitting in Buffy’s room, weeping loudly.
riley: I just don’t understand it, why? why? Why did she hafta go? I just can’t believe it, she was my everything. My…my beautiful, I cant believe she’s gone.
he looks down at the floor and pounds his fist into the ground and wails
riley: Why grampa? why? Why did you have to sell Bessie? She was my favorite cow. She gave me cheese, she only stepped on my head once. Okay, twice, but I’m pretty sure it was an accident the first time!
Buffy: snore,zzzz, snore
riley gets up in anger and clenches his hands into fists. He puts on his best pout face.
riley: Buffy! Do I bore you?
Buffy: (still asleep) uh huh
riley: So that’s how it is then. I’ve been pouring out my heart and soul to you. You don’t love me, you never care about me, oh I miss my mommy. I was in the army, I fought scary demons. I risk my neck everyday for you and you just…you just don’t care what I have to say, Bessie was my only true love, she listened to me.
Buffy: snore, zzz
In a fit of anger riley jumps on the bed and starts attacking Buffy with his balled up fists. It takes her a couple minutes to wake up.
Buffy: riley, (she grabs his fist in her hand) that’s it, I’m going to tranquilize you.
riley, as if coming out of trance: oh Buffy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.
Buffy: you didn’t.
She stands up and goes over to her dresser and grabs the tranquilizer dart.
riley: I just get so carried away when I think about my Bessie. Have you ever loved a cow?
Buffy stabs him in the arm with the dart.
riley: I like cheese.
he falls asleep. Buffy sighs in relief.
Meanwhile we fade away to Cordelia’s apartment in LA. She is standing in front of the mirror in her bathroom, she opens the cabinet and screams.
Cordelia: Ahhhhhh! Euwwwwwww! Ohmygod what happened to my hair gel?
She turns to go look for it but is stuck to the floor. She tries to lift her right foot in vain, then her left. Her feet come out of the shoes and she falls backward against the wall.
Cordelia: As if I would leave my shoes.
She gets a spatula from the kitchen and tries scraping them out of the gunk. The spatula breaks in her hands. She stares at it in horror.
Scene 3
Buffy is patrolling in the woods with Willow
Buffy: so there was this slimy, sticky stuff, all over my floor, and on my bed, it was covered.
Willow: Maybe it was a slime demon.
Buffy: It smelled like something, something familiar.
Willow: You want me to do a memory spell for your smell? ha ha smell spell.
Buffy: I can’t quite put my finger on it. But it’s defiantly something I should know.
A vampire jumps out from behind a gravestone; Buffy stakes it through the heart while they are walking.
Buffy: it was disturbing (she looks down at her stake, Mr. Pointy) it was disturbing that it knows where I live and it could keep terrorizing me. And others, not riley, but people I care about.
Willow: riley still being a doof?
Buffy: riley is a doof Will, That’s just what he is. It’s not like he can stop being one.
Willow: We should talk to Giles. Maybe he knows how to kill it.
Buffy: Yeah. I know riley’s human and all but maybe Giles can find some way around the no killing humans rule.
Willow: I was talking about the slime demon.
Buffy: Oh, I thought you meant the big bad.
Scene 4
In Spike’s crypt. There is Spike, Harmony and the Buffybot
Buffybot: where is riley? I must find riley. I love riley. I must find him. Right now. Get out of my way please.
Spike: Bloody hell, someone’s been messing with my robot.
Harmony: you love that robot more than me.
Spike: Well, yeah.
Buffybot: Have you seen riley?
Harmony: Go have your stupid riley, have your stupid riley and get out! You cant have my spikey.
Buffybot: I must find riley. Goodbye.
Spike: You’re not going anywhere.
(he grabs her wrist)
Buffybot: (throws him off) You are evil. riley fights evil. I must find riley. I love riley.
she leaves
Spike: yelling after her. Wait, come back. You love me. I programmed you. You love me!
Harmony: (coming over to him) Whore. (rests her head on his shoulder) I wonder if I could have bitten her. Mmm slayer bits.
Spike: She’s a robot you blit. They don’t have blood or bits. Anyway I tried it. Now she left me just like real life. fishboy!
Harmony: Oh Spikey you can bite me!
Spike: Urrr
Scene 5
The Buffybot makes its way across town to riley’s dorm at Sunnydale University. Along the way she meets Willow.
Buffybot: Have you seen riley?
Willow: riley? He’s probably in his dorm. You know, camouflage wallpaper and whatnot.
Buffybot: Thank you. You are my friend. I must find riley.
Willow: (nervously) Yeah uh, Buffy, um maybe we should wait to talk to Giles before we do anything too drastic and stuff.
Buffybot: Giles is my watcher.
Willow: He is. And as a watcher he is supposed to watch and make sure you don’t do anything bad like killing humans and stuff.
Buffybot: You have red hair. I can tell because I have eyes.
Willow: Just don’t kill riley, okay? I know he’s annoying and not for him, but for you.
Buffybot: I’m not going to kill riley, I’m going to love him.
Willow: oh? really. well. you, um do that. I have to get to class. I’ll see you later. bye.
(she runs off).
Buffybot: Bye.
she continues walking, now to the ugly camouflage dorm room where riley habitats. She knocks on the door. riley open it.
riley: (surprised) oh Buffy, hi. Come in.
Buffybot enters the room. It is completely camouflaged, the bed, the curtains, the wallpaper, Forrest- riley’s roommate is wearing camouflage pajamas and sitting on one of the camouflage beds.
riley: Thanks for coming Buffy. I’m sorry for what happened earlier with…Bessie. Don’t think I love her more than you…I don’t. I love you equally.
Buffybot: I love you too riley.
riley: what, you…you do?
Buffybot: You’re my boyfriend.
riley: I am.
Buffybot: You like cheese.
riley: (delighted) Why yes! Yes I do! I’m glad you finally understand!
Buffybot: I’m gonna love you.
Forrest gets up and goes over to the door. He glares at the Buffybot.
Forrest: You kids make me sick! (he leaves and slams the door)
Buffybot: let’s love each other riley.
riley: oh jeez, sorry Buffy. Did we have plans? I have to go driving.
Buffybot: In a car?
riley: Yeah, I like four wheeling. Maybe go to the cheese store, get some cheese.
Buffybot: You’re leaving me?
(her computer screen flashes up, a little bulls-eye: riley finn, boyfriend, love. at the bottom, in red, boxed, capital letters: REJECTION)
Buffybot: Grr. (she steps forward menacingly.)
riley backs away frightened.
riley: you understand. I like cheese.
Buffybot: you like cheese more than me?
riley: Well…yeah. I love cheese.
Buffybot: grr.
she grabs riley by the collar of his ugly camo vest and throws him out the window. He lands on the ground, he is dead. Forrest comes back into the room.
Forrest: What? you think I would just leave and let my friend waste away his life on you? Real friends don’t do that. You know, riley had a future, he had a career till he met you and yeah I got a problem with that. If you wanna get to riley you gotta go through me.
he steps in front of the window. Buffybot steps towards him.
Forrest: (backing up) Um…say…where is riley anyway?
Buffybot: Bored now.
she picks up Forrest and breaks him in half, she leaves.
Back outside to riley’s dead body. It is arising.
riley: You think that’s enough to get me? You thought I was just a fish but I’m actually a cat fish, bahahahaha, Cat fish have nine lives! I have eight more. It won't be this easy next time!
A tractor runs over him.
riley gets up again and morphs into full fish form.
riley: ok, 7. Now for some cheese.
behind him there is a small sticky puddle of hairgel smelling slime.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The Fish Goes Squish
by Emily age 16
characters by Joss Whedon, not by me, I do not own them
A mysterious force has been terrorizing, okay more like annoying, Sunnydale leaving everywhere it wreaks a slimey trail of supergoo that smells surprisingly like hair gel.
Scene 1
riley is sitting in Buffy’s room, weeping loudly.
riley: I just don’t understand it, why? why? Why did she hafta go? I just can’t believe it, she was my everything. My…my beautiful, I cant believe she’s gone.
he looks down at the floor and pounds his fist into the ground and wails
riley: Why grampa? why? Why did you have to sell Bessie? She was my favorite cow. She gave me cheese, she only stepped on my head once. Okay, twice, but I’m pretty sure it was an accident the first time!
Buffy: snore,zzzz, snore
riley gets up in anger and clenches his hands into fists. He puts on his best pout face.
riley: Buffy! Do I bore you?
Buffy: (still asleep) uh huh
riley: So that’s how it is then. I’ve been pouring out my heart and soul to you. You don’t love me, you never care about me, oh I miss my mommy. I was in the army, I fought scary demons. I risk my neck everyday for you and you just…you just don’t care what I have to say, Bessie was my only true love, she listened to me.
Buffy: snore, zzz
In a fit of anger riley jumps on the bed and starts attacking Buffy with his balled up fists. It takes her a couple minutes to wake up.
Buffy: riley, (she grabs his fist in her hand) that’s it, I’m going to tranquilize you.
riley, as if coming out of trance: oh Buffy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.
Buffy: you didn’t.
She stands up and goes over to her dresser and grabs the tranquilizer dart.
riley: I just get so carried away when I think about my Bessie. Have you ever loved a cow?
Buffy stabs him in the arm with the dart.
riley: I like cheese.
he falls asleep. Buffy sighs in relief.
Meanwhile we fade away to Cordelia’s apartment in LA. She is standing in front of the mirror in her bathroom, she opens the cabinet and screams.
Cordelia: Ahhhhhh! Euwwwwwww! Ohmygod what happened to my hair gel?
She turns to go look for it but is stuck to the floor. She tries to lift her right foot in vain, then her left. Her feet come out of the shoes and she falls backward against the wall.
Cordelia: As if I would leave my shoes.
She gets a spatula from the kitchen and tries scraping them out of the gunk. The spatula breaks in her hands. She stares at it in horror.
Scene 3
Buffy is patrolling in the woods with Willow
Buffy: so there was this slimy, sticky stuff, all over my floor, and on my bed, it was covered.
Willow: Maybe it was a slime demon.
Buffy: It smelled like something, something familiar.
Willow: You want me to do a memory spell for your smell? ha ha smell spell.
Buffy: I can’t quite put my finger on it. But it’s defiantly something I should know.
A vampire jumps out from behind a gravestone; Buffy stakes it through the heart while they are walking.
Buffy: it was disturbing (she looks down at her stake, Mr. Pointy) it was disturbing that it knows where I live and it could keep terrorizing me. And others, not riley, but people I care about.
Willow: riley still being a doof?
Buffy: riley is a doof Will, That’s just what he is. It’s not like he can stop being one.
Willow: We should talk to Giles. Maybe he knows how to kill it.
Buffy: Yeah. I know riley’s human and all but maybe Giles can find some way around the no killing humans rule.
Willow: I was talking about the slime demon.
Buffy: Oh, I thought you meant the big bad.
Scene 4
In Spike’s crypt. There is Spike, Harmony and the Buffybot
Buffybot: where is riley? I must find riley. I love riley. I must find him. Right now. Get out of my way please.
Spike: Bloody hell, someone’s been messing with my robot.
Harmony: you love that robot more than me.
Spike: Well, yeah.
Buffybot: Have you seen riley?
Harmony: Go have your stupid riley, have your stupid riley and get out! You cant have my spikey.
Buffybot: I must find riley. Goodbye.
Spike: You’re not going anywhere.
(he grabs her wrist)
Buffybot: (throws him off) You are evil. riley fights evil. I must find riley. I love riley.
she leaves
Spike: yelling after her. Wait, come back. You love me. I programmed you. You love me!
Harmony: (coming over to him) Whore. (rests her head on his shoulder) I wonder if I could have bitten her. Mmm slayer bits.
Spike: She’s a robot you blit. They don’t have blood or bits. Anyway I tried it. Now she left me just like real life. fishboy!
Harmony: Oh Spikey you can bite me!
Spike: Urrr
Scene 5
The Buffybot makes its way across town to riley’s dorm at Sunnydale University. Along the way she meets Willow.
Buffybot: Have you seen riley?
Willow: riley? He’s probably in his dorm. You know, camouflage wallpaper and whatnot.
Buffybot: Thank you. You are my friend. I must find riley.
Willow: (nervously) Yeah uh, Buffy, um maybe we should wait to talk to Giles before we do anything too drastic and stuff.
Buffybot: Giles is my watcher.
Willow: He is. And as a watcher he is supposed to watch and make sure you don’t do anything bad like killing humans and stuff.
Buffybot: You have red hair. I can tell because I have eyes.
Willow: Just don’t kill riley, okay? I know he’s annoying and not for him, but for you.
Buffybot: I’m not going to kill riley, I’m going to love him.
Willow: oh? really. well. you, um do that. I have to get to class. I’ll see you later. bye.
(she runs off).
Buffybot: Bye.
she continues walking, now to the ugly camouflage dorm room where riley habitats. She knocks on the door. riley open it.
riley: (surprised) oh Buffy, hi. Come in.
Buffybot enters the room. It is completely camouflaged, the bed, the curtains, the wallpaper, Forrest- riley’s roommate is wearing camouflage pajamas and sitting on one of the camouflage beds.
riley: Thanks for coming Buffy. I’m sorry for what happened earlier with…Bessie. Don’t think I love her more than you…I don’t. I love you equally.
Buffybot: I love you too riley.
riley: what, you…you do?
Buffybot: You’re my boyfriend.
riley: I am.
Buffybot: You like cheese.
riley: (delighted) Why yes! Yes I do! I’m glad you finally understand!
Buffybot: I’m gonna love you.
Forrest gets up and goes over to the door. He glares at the Buffybot.
Forrest: You kids make me sick! (he leaves and slams the door)
Buffybot: let’s love each other riley.
riley: oh jeez, sorry Buffy. Did we have plans? I have to go driving.
Buffybot: In a car?
riley: Yeah, I like four wheeling. Maybe go to the cheese store, get some cheese.
Buffybot: You’re leaving me?
(her computer screen flashes up, a little bulls-eye: riley finn, boyfriend, love. at the bottom, in red, boxed, capital letters: REJECTION)
Buffybot: Grr. (she steps forward menacingly.)
riley backs away frightened.
riley: you understand. I like cheese.
Buffybot: you like cheese more than me?
riley: Well…yeah. I love cheese.
Buffybot: grr.
she grabs riley by the collar of his ugly camo vest and throws him out the window. He lands on the ground, he is dead. Forrest comes back into the room.
Forrest: What? you think I would just leave and let my friend waste away his life on you? Real friends don’t do that. You know, riley had a future, he had a career till he met you and yeah I got a problem with that. If you wanna get to riley you gotta go through me.
he steps in front of the window. Buffybot steps towards him.
Forrest: (backing up) Um…say…where is riley anyway?
Buffybot: Bored now.
she picks up Forrest and breaks him in half, she leaves.
Back outside to riley’s dead body. It is arising.
riley: You think that’s enough to get me? You thought I was just a fish but I’m actually a cat fish, bahahahaha, Cat fish have nine lives! I have eight more. It won't be this easy next time!
A tractor runs over him.
riley gets up again and morphs into full fish form.
riley: ok, 7. Now for some cheese.
behind him there is a small sticky puddle of hairgel smelling slime.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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