Secret Life

This first part of my new story is almost a true story!

Chapter 1

“No, not that one, that one.

No! Not that one! That one, that one! Not that one, the one behind that one, the one with the orange fin.”

“What are you talking about they all have orange fins.”

“But this one is oranger, ooh there it is!

Oh it got away.”

Larisa Ollerman, that's me, waved the net around half halfheartedly and the three hundred or so goldfish in the tank swam out of the way. All except six slow ones that I presented to my teenage girl customer.

“No, those aren't him.”

“It's a him now?”

“Yeah.”

“How can you tell?”

“I just can, I only want him.”

“Well trust me girl, the harder you chase him the faster he's going to run.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind,” I sighed. I'd been working at the Plantasia Pet Ranch for three months now and had yet to make a customer laugh despite my best efforts. I had been working with this particular customer for going on thirty minutes now and had so far managed to restrain myself from beating the girl's head into the fish tank. So far.

“I'm just saying,” I continued as I waved the net around.

“There he is!”

“That there are plenty of other fish in the sea, ones that would love to go home to a girl like you,” again my net inadvertently caught three unwanted fish, “why this one?”

“I just like him,” the girl shrugged.

I shook my head. This was the same reasoning my friend Shannon had used to explain why she was still with Josh Radcliffe though the boy resembled something they would sell at the Pet Ranch and was about half as intelligent. Of course Shannon hadn't made me catch Josh for her with a 9 inch net, out of a sea of gaping, bug eyed bozos, a fact I hadn't appreciated fully until now.

“Attention Pet Ranch shoppers, the time is now 8:50 and Pet Ranch will be closing in ten minutes. Please select all your final purchases and bring them to the front. For your shopping pleasure we will open again tomorrow bright eyed and bushy tailed at nine am. I won't be here, but uh you might be, thank you, thank you very much.”

I groaned. Not only that I had been chasing a stupid thirteen cent fish around a tank for the past half hour but because I could tell from that rambling chain of idioticness that Larry was closing.

“Hurry,” the girl whined.

“Oh you can't rush true love,” I sniped, which was a lot more polite than the reply I was thinking in my head which was something along the lines of; you're going to have this fish for four days before he dies and you flush him down the toilet, it doesn't matter what he looks like! It didn't help that the particular fish the girl wanted I couldn't tell apart from the other 299 fish in the cramped tank.

I glanced to the clock anxiously. It was 8:51. The girl had come in at 8:20 with a group of friends who had all got bored and left about twenty minutes ago, while I was cleaning one of the fish tanks.

“I always want what I can't have,” the girl said sagely as if that explained her behavior.

“Oh sure, you can have him,” I said, “and for the low price of 13 cents!”

The girl shifted uncomfortably. Oh please, I thought, there is no way you just now realize how ridiculous you sound. I knew customers like her- if they didn't know they weren't ever going to figure it out!

Only after I had netted out 275 of the goldfish into a smaller bucket did the girl finally shriek- “ohmygod that's him!”

I had just been about to dump the fish into the rest but I caught herself just in time and dumped it into the plastic bag that had been sitting open next to me for the last thirty four minutes.

“Well,” I said peering at it, “I sure hope it's a he, for your sake, unless you know, swing that way.” Please don't swing that way, I thought as soon as I had said it. The fish didn't look any better to me from this angle. He/ she? how could you tell really? was orange and covered with small scales, had two bubbly looking eyes sticking out from it's small head and was making gaping motions with it's mouth while it stared at her dumbly through the plastic bag. Actually, now that I thought about it- it did suit the girl perfectly.

“I hope you'll be very happy together,” I said as I handed over the bag. “For the thirty seconds that thing is going to live,” I muttered under my breath. Luckily the loudspeaker drowned me out.

“Attention Pet Ranch shoppers, the time is now 9 pm and the Pet Ranch is closed, please leave now.”

Guys in Young Adult books

Have you ever met a guy like one of the ones you read about in a young adult novel? I sure never have. I keep meeting real guys. Real guys are unlike ones in these books. They have flaws, they do things that are annoying, and they definitely don't just fall head over heels in love with me at first sight, not even once. They are one other thing though- like, interesting.

Not to name any names but I have noticed the vast number of Young adult “sci-fi” books I start to read now-a-days starting off strong, interesting and then devolving halfway through into a poorly written romance novel. I say poorly written because they are not realistic to me. The guy, usually a good looking one, who is charming, and smart, and well, perfect, actually (except for being really dull) enters the novel and approaches novel's heroine. He professes his deep love for her just because presumably she is the star of the book and he wants more lines. Said boy will follow girl around complementing her, buying her things, and saying lots of ooey gooey lovey dovey brownie bits. And apparently teen girls like this?

I say apparently because this is seeming to be the trend as of late. Maybe it is because I am not a teen anymore but I really don't like these novels. I don't like living vicariously through these girls. I find them to be b&*%$ actually. Oh look at you, you're a self proclaimed ugly loser who gets perfect guys to drop out of the sky and kiss your feet. Well screw you! I want to read a novel about someone I can relate to, not someone I want to beat to death with her own book.

I worry about girls who read these books with no outside knowledge about guys and relationships. Guys are not perfect. Girls aren't either- no one is. Humans are flawed, deeply. Falling in love can take time, it is not usually easy and there is a lot of pain involved. When I go on message boards about certain TV shows I watch usually the guys I find to be the most realistic are lambasted by posters as “jerks” and “d-bags” because they do things that are unkind occasionally or don't return every single phone call. I worry these “perfect” boys are creating unrealistic expectations in the generation that reads them.

Things people say

-World War I started with the assassination of the arch duck Franz Ferdinand.
-How do you bottle spirits?
-If I had boobs I'd put stuff in them all the time.
-Just because I'm not hungry doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.
      -Sometimes I look at the menu while I'm still eating. Do I know what you guys are talking about?
-When two people have sex 50% of the time it's the girl's faults, 25% of the time it's the guy's fault and 25% of the time it's nobody's fault, it just happens.
-I think boys are yucky. (9 yr old girl after my own heart)
-They should take a picture of them and write 'lowered expectations' on the bottom.
-I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday and I moved on today.
-There are plenty of other piranhas in the sea.
-It's a simple math problem- if 4 out of 5 guys ditch you then you just have to go on 20 dates and you'll have 4 guys.
-My friend's from Idaho and she's never even seen a potato.
-Greeners don't get married early very much, I think it's because they're smart.
     - I think it's because they're ugly.
-I don't get why they say this song is by Justin Timberlake, it's just this girl singing about how the guys don't know how to react to her sexy back.
-You're going to hell.
     -I'm Jewish, we like invented hell.

-How bad was it Bob?
     -Well, it was medium bad.

Tails

Story I wrote for a short story contest when I was 15, the prompt was- "the wind howled across the island"

The wind howled across the island. The wind is the island's breath, its voice. It hangs over me in billowing clouds like mustard gas and chills me to the bone.
"I have dreams for you," the voice says, "oh I have such dreams for you."
How dare you? Don't you think I have dreams? Dreams that may be different from your own?
If I could capture this sound I'd beat it. Your sound is fish screaming, rabbits popping in some gross mutated form.
I have such nightmares.
All the children die. They die when the scientist comes. He carries with him his favorite implements of choice destruction. The little ones live behind crossed wire, they have no choice. They live behind bars on this island. This island that claims us all. Its dreams for us are all the same.
Sometimes he shoots us and then we are still for awhile. Sometimes we get sick afterwards, occasionally they even make us healthy.
My parents they have died long ago. My sisters and brothers too. I believe I once had a large family of about thirty five or so. One by one this island of despair claims each of my friends. I believe I once had many friends.
I am twice my size, I am blue colored and red. I have cancer and aids. Everytime I eat something I get worse, everytime I drink something I get something else.
I am cradled in death, in it I find my dream, I dream only for peace. When I reach out for my dream I can leave the island and the wind will blow me down no more.
Sweet, sweet, come to me dream, take me away, I want to go. When I have gone my body will go down to the edge of the island, thrown from the shore. And as the rain falls on me and I float away the island breathes and then its breath is no more.
"Look at that rat! It gets away."

Pretty Little Liars Book 9 Twisted

I was a fan of the Pretty Little Liars books 1-8. They were a little drawn out but I listened to them on audio book when I was running so hey the longer the better! They are pretty bad books but in such a deliciously good way. What I mean is they are very well done bad books unlike so much YA fiction, and they made a lot more sense than the train wreck of the show that bears the same name that yes I do still watch despite having adult taste buds and all now.
I wasn't sure I wanted to read book 9 because book 8 ended the series on such a good note I didn't want to spoil that by having book 9 potentially go back and change things that happened in book 8 but I finally caved in. I'm glad I did. My guilty pleasure is still a pleasure.
Twisted starts off a little slow like most of the others do, some filler boy problems, blah, blah, but by the middle I was hooked into even those story lines. By the time it ended I was hooked. Again. What? No! You can't end there! where's my library card?!
There are so many wild twists in these books the only thing you can expect is that whatever is happening will have some wild twist to it that you will never be able to guess.
There are a few things that bug me about these books, like if I have to read about another guy who has "pink, kissable lips" I might just throw the book across the room. (and then go fetch it and finish reading it like nothing ever happened) Not that it isn't great to know that his lips are pink and not in fact blue, or orange which could mean he has hypothermia, or a really bad spray tan. And that you would be able to kiss them if so desired. But you could say that about anything, even a poster, I mean, who hasn't made out with a poster at least once? All I can say is it's a good thing I don't live in Rosewood- I couldn't tell any of the guys apart.
And for anyone complaining that this is all just a money making endeavor, that's probably true but did you know they have this place where you can go and take any book, or audiobook you want, read it/ listen to it and return it when you're done with it and get this- it's completely free! What is this place? you ask? it's called a library! I know, right!

Being an adult is an aquired taste

I would rather drink root beer than anything else with beer in the name. I have bubblegum mouthwash because the mint is too minty. I would rather go roller skating than go to  a club. I shop in the Junior's clothing section. I'm a little too hopped up on sugar most of the time. I don't like to tell people I meet how old I am because I think I can pass for a good five years younger but I think, this week I may have developed my first adult taste buds.
I was watching one of my favorite shows, not to name names or anything, but it is a show about teenagers being played by people my age. How much longer are these people going to be in high school anyway? I mean these shows act like it is normal to be in high school when really- it's not! Very, very young people aren't even in high school anymore let's move on! But anyway, I found myself getting bored. Like so bored I needed to play a computer game while I was watching the episode- on my computer. Which meant I had to go to another window, so I was just listening to it without the visual. Pretty soon I had muted it. I was in the middle of the episode and I didn't even care what happened next. The entire plot of the episode circled around this girl who gave another girl the stink eye in English class or something, and btw, what's up with every high school show showing the students sitting in their chairs listening to their teacher up until the bell rings? We never did that when I was in high school, 5 minutes till the end of class everyone had their backpacks on and was standing by the door waiting to go, but anyway. That's not the point- the point was high school is boring! There I said it. I enjoy watching a show about grown up drug dealers my friend showed to me. I enjoy a show with grown @$$ adult characters more than one about high schoolers! I am soo grown up! 
The other day at work I was walking by the grown women's section and I saw a shirt I actually wanted. I was so proud if myself but then I saw the price tag. Wow, it's expensive being an adult. I need to get a real grown up job one of these days.
I'm still going to like Hello Kitty though.

Nostalgic love for bad music

Sometimes I crave things that are bad for me, and right now it's my Linkin Park CD that I bought in 9th grade. Why? Because it was so good in 9th grade. It could be totally random. A tune could pop into my head that I haven't thought of in five years and I have to race home and listen to it right away. Maybe it was mainstream corporate America trying to pry into teenager's wallets with commercially approved "rebellious" lyrics and purchased melodies but, but, but...shut up!
I don't like Linkin Park's new stuff. I would rather listen to the Backstreet boys than Bruno Mars or Nicki Minaj. I could pop my Backstreet boys Millenium CD in my walkman and be 13 again. I wasn't a stupid a 13 year old as my sister thought, listening to my Backstreet Boys album. I knew back then that my days of being able to like the Backstreet Boys were numbered but I secretly hoped I would love them forever just like I vowed to always hate those in grades younger than me.
 I used to think that I would always hate anyone more than a few months younger than me because they would forever be underclassmen and how could I possibly stand underclassmen ever when they were so moronic? But now that I am feeling very old I wouldn't mind shaving a few years off my graduation year. It's a good thing most people outgrow being moronic underclassmen, well some people, about half of all people. It's not something I miss, yet I listen to these songs and it is. How can I be nostalgic for a time period I so desperately wanted to outgrow when I was there?